The Scoop: Unhealed People Hurt People
A quick note before we dive in:
I want you to know I’m coming at this with seriousness and honesty. We all—myself included—can stumble, make mistakes, or fall short. This isn’t about putting myself or my ideas above anyone else. Instead, my hope is to offer a thoughtful reminder about why honest healing is so essential for all of us.
As my family and I were winding down one night—nearly done with another episode of a favorite show—I heard my phone chime. I checked it when the credits rolled, and my stomach dropped. Another friend. Another message. Someone else in the deconstruction and religious trauma space, crossing a line. My heart sank. Again.
You’d think after sixteen years of this—of watching people I once admired, authors, ministry leaders, musicians, people whose names you’d know—fall off their man-made pedestals, I’d be numb to it. But, trust me, you never really get used to it. Especially now that it’s happening in the world I chose, the circles I have watched emerge for healing. Yep—now the helpers are hurting people too. That’s a special, double-shot blend of betrayal right there.
Let me be clear: I’m not talking about rumors. I’m talking about proven harm—legal actions, real investigations, evidence in broad daylight. The stories are everywhere: podcasts, documentaries, books, news articles. It’s like a parade of pain led by people with crosses and credentials.
What’s the Pattern? Why Does It Repeat?
The folks behaving badly seldom lose much. Their followers stick. Their organizations, work, names survive. Or after a quiet season, they rebuild their large platforms.
When called out, the folks behaving badly toss out lines like “It’s not a big deal,” or “You don’t know the whole story.”
Apologies? Accountability? More like, “What’s the absolute minimum I can do and still save face?”
Big personalities. Big platforms. Bigger egos.
Zero real self-reflection. They’re never the problem—must be the “overreacting” accusers or social media frenzy.
Survivors? Truth tellers? They get painted as destroyers, forced into anonymity, or abandoned to deal with the fallout totally alone.
Sometimes the only thing that changes is the color sprinkles on the sundae.
You leave a toxic system, you think you’ve found freedom, but you’re still ordering from the same ice cream menu—just swapping chocolate chips for caramel drizzle. Different toppings, same uncomfortable sweet cream base.
Here’s the honest scoop: If you don’t recognize that everything you’re eating is ice cream, you’ll keep reaching for the same thing. Healing demands that you know what you’re tasting and what got mixed in. Because if you don’t? Next time you could be the one behind the ice cream counter, dishing out toxicity and calling it “something new.”
Without the analogy? Sure thing. Until we become aware of the tactics, behaviors or patterns we are used to, that feel safe or normal to us – we will go back to them over and over again, even if things seem different on the surface. And while we may no longer be on the receiving end of harmful behavior, we might be the one perpetrating the control dynamic, hurt, toxic behavior or abuse.
People Are People—But We Don’t Have To Stay Frozen
Yep, everyone makes mistakes. That’s part of being human. But grown-up healing means stepping up and owning the harm we cause. Let’s not romanticize brokenness or put our pain on tap for others.
What Safeguards Keep Us from Serving Up Hurt?
Don’t go against your conscience. If you do, stop. Get some outside perspective and support.
Have people in your life who actually call you out on behavior, bad writing, your bias, incomplete thought, when you’re in a bad mood, etc.
Let people see your unedited self—not just the polished bits for public consumption.
Get real about your triggers. Figure out why you do what you do. And what can aid you in making healthier responses.
Dig into your own story. Were you controlled or controlling? Motivated or just manipulated? Be honest about all the pieces.
Interrogate your motives for helping or leading. Whose healing are you really after? Who are you trying to impress or prove something to and why?
Ask: What does my partner, therapist, or closest friend say?
Who are you—really—without the platform, the “cause,” the story?
If you’ve never worked with a therapist, coach, or counselor—why not?
Am I living from a place of healing, or just hiding my wounds with fancier toppings?
The Final Scoop
Unhealed people will hurt people. That’s not shame, it’s just gravity. It may not be on purpose, but it happens. Pain that isn’t examined gets passed on—period. But healing? That’s radical. It’s revolutionary. It’s the brave work—quiet, daily, off-camera, not always Instagrammable.
Remember: Just because you switched flavors doesn’t mean you’re not still eating ice cream.
The real flex isn’t being the loudest, most recognized voice in the room or starting the next platform or organization, creating a podcast or writing a book. It’s doing the hidden-in-plain-sight work of healing—so when you offer up something to others, it nourishes rather than just feeds a craving. Or worse yet, makes someone sick down the line when your work comes crashing down because…you didn’t take the time to heal before serving others.
What if the deepest act of love isn’t leading, but humbly healing—and then, just maybe, offering others a new kind of dessert altogether?
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.