Cherry Flavored Messy Middle: Tootsie Roll Pops and Sunday School

/
Cherry Flavored Messy Middle: Tootsie Roll Pops and Sunday School

Recently, someone gave my husband a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops. I ate one today and suddenly, I was back in Sunday School.

Funny how our minds and nervous systems work. I don't remember why Tootsie Roll Pops and Sunday School are connected, but my body does.

With one taste of that candy and my memory escorted me back to Mrs. Harris* and her less than 5-foot-tall frame, legs swinging as she sat atop some large piece of furniture in the classroom. She died when I was about 10 and it's the first time I remember feeling grief.

Read More

Unmasking the Hidden Connections: Religious Trauma, Narcicissim and Christian Nationalism

/
Unmasking the Hidden Connections: Religious Trauma, Narcicissim and Christian Nationalism

Religious Trauma is a psychological term used to describe the result of a variety of negative experiences related to religion. It can encompass a range of experiences from spiritual abuse, physical or emotional trauma caused by religious practices or beliefs, or even simply the feeling of betrayal when a person’s religious community or leaders fail to live up to the high standards and holy lifestyle proported to be exlemplified and taught by those in leadership. Coerced conversions, unquestioning submission to authority, trauma-based theologies and hidden abuse also contribute to creating religious trauma.

One of the key issues related to religious trauma is the role that narcissism can play in the religious community.

Read More

Love, Care Bears and My Religious Trauma

/
Love, Care Bears and My Religious Trauma

Care Bears are part of my Religious Trauma story, so when I found this mug at an estate sale with and the quote, “Love is great for growing things,” it all made healing sense I should get it.

Inside fundamentalist and control based religious environments, love is often mocked. “Those people just believe that LOVE fixes everything...that’s not true...you need Jesus combined with Holy living, to call out sin and to live by these specific Biblical principles…”

Read More

When Love Becomes a Weapon: The Hidden Hurt in Christian Homes

/
When Love Becomes a Weapon: The Hidden Hurt in Christian Homes

Hey there, friend. Can we talk about something that's been weighing on my heart lately? It's about how love sometimes gets twisted in Christian homes, turning into a tool for control instead of the beautiful, unconditional thing it's meant to be.

You know that feeling when you're a kid, and your mom promises you can go to your best friend's house on Saturday? You're so excited, counting down the days. But then Saturday morning rolls around, and you forget to clean your room on Friday. Suddenly, that play date you've been looking forward to all week? It's gone. Poof. Just like that. "If you can't be responsible at home," they said, "you don't get to go out and have fun."

Read More

The Personal Impact of Pastor-Abuse Stories

/
The Personal Impact of Pastor-Abuse Stories

When stories like this hit the media, it’s personal. It’s not just some random pastor, at some random church, in some random town. It’s people I know, or my friend know. It’s churches I’ve been to, or know people who attended that church. It’s towns I’ve lived in, or people I know live in.

Stories of pastors abusing people, power, position and resources aren’t just stories that are flying in the great abyss of the media universe. The lives impacted are real, personal and crossover with lots of us.

Read More

Four Responses of Unhealed Trauma

/
Four Responses of Unhealed Trauma

The more I interact with people who have been hurt the more I see two things: One, there are people who are saying all the right “recovery things,” they may take courses, follow trauma influencers, read some books but their actions don’t add up. They’re not putting in the hard work to heal. And two, I see the people who truly want to heal and change the patterns around them. They never stop trying, they make mistakes but learn and their life sphere begins to be filled with peace along with healthier patterns and people

This brings me to the post I am writing today. I want to take a deeper dive into the world of trauma responses – those ways our minds and bodies react to past hurts, shaping our thoughts and actions long after the dust settles. Sometimes we think we’ve dealt with something, but realize patterns are still in place that may be signals something isn’t healed, healthy or happy.

Read More

The Church's Co-opting of Survivor Experience

/
The Church's Co-opting of Survivor Experience

The church is often seen as a sanctuary, a place of healing and support for those who seek spiritual guidance and community. However, a pattern and uncomfortable truth I have observed is that not only has the church become a place where great harm is done or covered up, the church is sometimes guilty of co-opting survivor language and experiences - the very survivors they created or silenced then again use or exploit.

Read More

“They listed everyone but me!” - Third Culture Kids and the High-Demand Religion or Cult Connection

/
“They listed everyone but me!” - Third Culture Kids and the High-Demand Religion or Cult Connection

Did you grow up in a high-demand religion or a cult? Have you ever felt like an outsider to life and couldn’t put into words exactly why? If so, you are not alone and perhaps, what I explain in this article will resonate with you.

One day as I was having a conversation about my childhood (and subsequent religious trauma recovery journey) with a dear friend of mine, Dr. Paulette Bethel, she suddenly said, “Rebekah, you’re a TCK!” This expression was new to me so I asked her to explain.

Read More

Calming Your Nervous System as a Parent: While Processing Childhood Trauma

/
Calming Your Nervous System as a Parent: While Processing Childhood Trauma

Parenting is such a wild ride—full of ups, downs, and everything in between. You’ve finally nailed the toddler and elementary years when, wham! You wake up one morning and now have a teenager in your home with those years full of their own challenges, developmental stages and complexities.

When you’re also carrying the weight of your own childhood trauma, parenting can often feel like an even bigger challenge. But here’s the thing: your trauma is not your child’s trauma. In fact, showing our kids how we learn, grow, and tackle tough stuff can be one of the best lessons we can give them.

Read More

Navigating Family Reactions to Your Deconstruction, Faith Transition or Religious Trauma Recovery

/
Navigating Family Reactions to Your Deconstruction, Faith Transition or Religious Trauma Recovery

In this thought-provoking article, we delve into the challenging terrain of communicating deconstruction, faith transition, and religious trauma with family. This is not meant to be a definitive piece, but rather a discussion of some of the obstacles, difficulties, and considerations you may face.

As we navigate these uncharted paths, we may be seen as daring to challenge conventions (heretic) or defying the status quo (rebellious.) Buckle up as we embark on a journey that demands courage and an unwavering commitment to our own soul, conscience and overall health.

Read More

Embracing Healing: The Journey of a Church Leader Recovering from Religious Trauma

/
Embracing Healing: The Journey of a Church Leader Recovering from Religious Trauma

As I sit down to share my thoughts and experiences, I am reminded of the transformative power of vulnerability and the courage it takes to confront our deepest wounds. My journey recovering from religious trauma has been filled with twists and turns, leading me to the profound realization that healing is a sacred and ongoing process. In this blog post, I invite you to join me on this transformative path, as we explore what it truly means to be a church or religious leader on the journey of recovering from religious trauma.

Read More

Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take of Episode 4.

/
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take of Episode 4.

Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with an old high school friend. It was only supposed to be a quick bite (tacos!) and a coffee but that turned into five hours of talking, catching up, swapping takes on Shiny Happy People and rehashing old memories.

For those of us who have left behind a cult, high demand group or unhealthy system, it’s an unfortunate yet common thing I have noticed that we have few life-long friends or we only reconnect well into adulthood. (Maybe this is just a fundy phenomenon, I’ll have to dive into this thought a bit more.) Without a doubt it’s often that family has even rejected you or you have had to distance yourself due to abuse or lack of respecting boundaries.

Read More

Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 3.

/
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 3.

Watching Shiny Happy People is observing the first half of my life in what feels like an out of body experience. Internal agony and struggle, mind shifts and identity disruption, loss of people I love, fear and confusion, new experiences and blazing ahead alone, these things have defined my years since becoming aware I had been raised in a cult. It’s what it took for me to leave, learn a new way and forge a life outside the lines of authoritarian control and spiritual abuse.

The Duggar family has long been who I reference when I tell people that I grew up differently from mainstream culture. Dang, even differently from most evangelical culture. “Have you seen the show 19 Kids and Counting? Yes? Well, that’s my background.” It was extreme fundamentalism; we were the radicals.

Read More

Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 2.

/
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 2.

I wasn’t the only IBLP survivor who had a migraine yesterday. Yes, my migraine is toned way down now, thanks for asking. I took a walk, snagged a couple short cat-naps, did more gentle yoga movements and mental reminders that I am safe now which all seemed to help.

Shiny Happy People is collectively pacing so many of us through our painful childhoods which were riddled with spiritual abuse, physical and psychological abuse and religious trauma. Please, do not allow yourself to be re-traumatized. Turn off the TV, decide you will not finish the series, or wait until you can talk to a therapist. There is great strength in knowing your limitations and choosing to protect your emotional and mental health. It’s not a weakness.

Read More

Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 1.

/
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 1.

You may be aware that a documentary called Shiny Happy People dropped last night on Amazon Prime which discusses the lives of the Duggar family and the cult organization they are members of, IBLP, which was founded by Bill Gothard.

As a survivor of this cult, I have been mindful to pay attention to my own feelings, emotions and thoughts about this documentary. With this awareness, I made the choice to view the series one episode at a time, to allow myself to process any triggers or negative feelings that should arise.

Read More

10 Questions to Ask When Seeking a Therapist Who Is Religious Trauma Informed

/
10 Questions to Ask When Seeking a Therapist Who Is Religious Trauma Informed

Religious trauma is a sensitive topic that requires a therapist who is knowledgeable and experienced in addressing the unique challenges that come with it. If you're seeking therapy to overcome religious trauma, it's crucial to ask the right questions to ensure that the therapist is well-equipped to help you. Here are ten insightful questions to ask a therapist to assess their religious trauma competency.

Read More

The 5 Steps to Deconstructing Your Faith

/
The 5 Steps to Deconstructing Your Faith

It’s overwhelming I know. You’ve recognized something is off with how you were raised or with the system in which your faith is based. You are scared. You aren’t sure who to trust. You’re Googling for answers and desperate for help.

Suddenly, in your searching, you see an article entitled, “The 5 Steps to Deconstructing Your Faith,” and you feel like, “Oh good, someone will tell me how to do this!” Well, yes and no.

Read More

You Don't Have to Embody It All

/
You Don't Have to Embody It All

If this was you, listen to me closely: You do not have to embody every little thing you now believe. That’s overwhelming and may be impractical or “too much” for you today. Our beliefs are not who we are, but they do inform how we behave. You are aware now, but have wounds and traumas which must heal. Each role may not be possible for you to take on now or ever - and that’s ok.

Read More