Dear Survivors: Harm is Harm
/Harm comes in many forms, but its impact is always real. As an abuse and trauma survivor turned advocate, I've witnessed the spectrum of harm that can occur within religious spaces. This spectrum includes spiritual, physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. While the type, severity, frequency, or intensity of harm may vary, one fact remains constant: harm is harm.
As society's understanding of trauma, human biology, and the mind evolves, we're learning that seemingly small incidents can have a significant impact on one person, while something objectively severe might have a milder effect on another. It's crucial to remember that categorizing or minimizing someone else's harm doesn't help the person who was hurt. In fact, it might cause additional pain.
When we've been conditioned to accept certain control, power, or abuse tactics as normal, survivors often respond in three different ways:
1. Danger Around Every Corner
It's natural to become hyper-vigilant when you've experienced harm. You might feel that everyone has an ulterior motive, is narcissistic, wants something from you, is hiding something, or is an unhealthy leader or toxic person.
I remember a time when I stopped reading books from or listening to any Christian leaders because I thought, "If the people who said they loved and cared about me were the ones perpetrating abuse, who can I trust?"
Part of healing is learning to feel safe again. It’s not something that happens quickly, but over time. Survivors do have a keen sense of knowing if a person is safe, genuine or inauthentic. Learning to trust our gut is also a healing step.
2. What's the Big Deal?
A survivor's baseline of tolerance is often extremely high.
When we hear another survivor's story, we might find ourselves comparing: "What I lived through was so much worse," or "That's not a big deal compared to other stories I've heard." It's similar to people who live with chronic migraines or pain – what would send someone else to the ER, we endure regularly.
If someone sharing their trauma story triggers a "It's not that big of a deal" response in you, it's time to step back and reflect on why another person's pain or struggle isn't impacting your empathy. Remember, it's not helpful to compare traumas – each person's experience is valid and unique.
When leadership responds to a survivor or situation with, “It wasn’t that big of a deal,” it’s time to look much deeper at the systems, beliefs and mindsets that support this response.
3. I'm Good, I've Got This
Survivors often don't pause to heal because they've had to be strong for so long. Maybe they're not connected to their body, haven't achieved a level of self-awareness, or simply don't want to face difficult emotions right now.
I remember the day I realized how strong I was. I'd always thought I was weak because I was a girl, because I was taught to be meek and quiet, because I'd embodied weakness as opposed to strength based on what I'd been taught about Godly womanhood.
For some survivors, just existing another day shows strength and courage. The inner battles being fought are invisible to the outside world. Healing is hard, long work, and it's okay to take breaks. Triggers can come when we least expect them.
Some survivors jump straight into advocacy work because they believe they're "good," have gone to some therapy, and deconstructed the toxic systems of their past. Others continue through life without ever genuinely facing their wounds.
It’s not weakness to admit you need to heal. You can set down your defenses and take up the tools you need to find wholeness.
A Message to Survivors
If you are a survivor or work with survivors of trauma, control and power tactics, or abuse, it's important to be mindful of these three responses. As you internally reflect, witness the online survivor world, or walk beside others' stories face to face, remember that harm exists on a spectrum you don't get to label. Only the person who experienced that hurt or abuse gets to decide "how bad it was" for them.
Dear Survivor: You are worthy of healing. Find a safe space where healing is encouraged, not judged, not pushed into a mold or certain direction, with no controlled narratives. Remember, if you are hurting, if you were harmed, healing is possible.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.