The Trad Wife Lie: When Submission Is Branded as Empowerment
We’ve all seen the posts. A gaggle of beautiful children, a perfectly curated home with fresh sourdough rising on the counter, goats or chickens grazing in the yard, and a fresh-faced mom in prairie-core fashion. Her teenager runs a business from the kitchen table. The husband makes a cameo—lifting something heavy or kissing her forehead. On the surface, it’s idyllic. It looks wholesome, classic, even aspirational.
But beneath the aesthetic lies a movement rooted in patriarchy, subjugation, and control. I know because I was raised in it.
A Legacy of Restriction
I’m a child of the American 1980s. My grandmother couldn’t open a bank account without a man’s signature. Her husband could legally have her committed for mental health concerns or force medical procedures on her. My mother couldn’t get a credit card or rent property without male approval. These weren’t isolated incidents—they were systemic realities.
When I was born, violence against women wasn’t considered a human rights issue. Marital rape wasn’t legally recognized. And yet, both my grandmother and mother were part of the generations who pushed for equality—in the home, the workplace, and everyday life. That generation’s resistance laid the groundwork for the freedoms I now defend. The freedoms my own daughter benefits from and will also strive to protect.
The Trad Wife Rebrand
Today’s trad wife influencers claim it’s all about choice. They say they choose to submit to their husbands, stay home, have as many babies “as God gives,” bake everything from scratch, never have a male friend, dress modestly, and share all their passwords with their spouse. They call this empowerment through tradition.
But here’s my analysis—after all, I was raised to become a trad wife myself: this is rarely a pure choice.
For women raised in conservative religious or cultural spaces, being a stay-at-home mom isn’t just encouraged—it’s framed as the highest calling. From toddlerhood, girls are taught that their purpose is to marry, bear children, and serve. Wifehood and motherhood are not options—they are destinies. Training is infused into every aspect of identity formation.
So what happens when a woman dares to choose differently?
The Cost of Choosing Autonomy
Depending on her context, she might face:
Shunning by family or community
Shaming, often cloaked in spiritual language
Accusations of sin or rebellion
Claims she’s harming her children
Loss of romantic prospects within her community
Physical or sexual violence
Financial abandonment
Coercive tactics to force her return
Threats of losing custody
Being disowned
Being toss out of her home
Used as a case study
Any support removed – physical, financial, emotional
Loss of friends and family
These are not the consequences of a free society. They are the punishments of a system that demands compliance.
How the System Holds Women
Women are kept in the trad wife mindset through ways such as:
Limited education: College or professional training is discouraged or deemed unnecessary
Economic dependence: Fear of financial survival outside marriage
Spiritual coercion: Belief that this is the only way to honor God
Being married while still under twenty-one : This keeps females in “the system” and having babies quickly
Relationships are limited: This can include family or friends that are outside the community, work or professional relationships that are not approved or are too worldly may be denied
So let me ask: If a woman is truly free to choose a lifestyle outside of homemaking, why are the consequences so severe?
When a Woman Shuts Down Her Natural Self
There’s a quiet grief that settles in when a woman learns to silence the parts of herself that don’t fit the mold.
Her curiosity. Her ambition. Her sensuality. Her anger. Her intellect. Her creativity. Her voice.
In trad wife culture—and many adjacent religious frameworks—women are taught to prune themselves down to what’s “acceptable.” To be gentle but not assertive. Modest but not too expressive. Supportive but never leading. They are told that their value lies in how well they conform, not how fully they live.
But here’s the truth: when a woman shuts off the natural parts of herself, or only allows them to grow inside a rigid mold, she is not honoring her natural design. She is performing a version of herself that others find palatable. And that performance is dishonest—not just to the world, but to her own soul.
I believe in a design for women that includes layers, complexity and brilliance. Fire and softness. Wisdom and wonder. Leadership and nurture. The full spectrum of human experience—not just the parts that serve someone else’s comfort.
When women are taught that their deepest instincts are sinful, selfish, or dangerous, they begin to dissociate from their own bodies. They second-guess their intuition. They mistrust their natural desires. They shrink. And over time, that shrinking becomes sickness—emotional, spiritual, even physical.
This is not holiness. This is harm.
True spiritual integrity requires wholeness. It requires truth-telling. It requires honoring the image of God in every part of a woman—not just the parts that submit.
The Toll on the Body and Soul
When a woman lives in violation of her own autonomy, her body often tells the truth. In my years growing up in a fundamentalist Christian community - surrounded by seminars, books, teachings, and theological mandates all in support of the trad wife life - I witnessed the following in other women:
Unexplained chronic health issues
Continuing to have children despite medical warnings
Extremes in weight—either under or over weight
Infertility or reproductive complications
Mental health being treated as a spiritual problem
Lack of medical treatment
Exhaustion
Anger outbursts
Working through sickness
Emotional labor burnout
Abuse patterns creating unhealthy trauma bonds
Physical and psychological impact of abuse, manipulation or unhappy marriage
These are not isolated cases. They are patterns. And they reflect the trauma of living in a system that denies agency.
Addressing the Pushback
Let’s name the most common rebuttals:
“But some women love being homemakers.”
Some do, yes. And homemaking itself is not the problem. The issue is when it’s framed as the only righteous path, and when deviation is punished.
“It’s just a lifestyle choice.”
A choice is only free when all options are viable. If leaving results in shunning, poverty, or violence, it’s not a choice—it’s coercion.
“You’re attacking traditional families.”
No. I’m critiquing systems that use tradition to control women. A woman who freely chooses domestic life without fear or manipulation deserves respect. But we must interrogate the structures that make that choice compulsory for others.
“This is anti-faith.”
Not at all. Many faith traditions include liberating, justice-oriented teachings. But when theology is weaponized to enforce gender roles, it becomes a tool of oppression—not devotion.
When the Husband Dies—or Leaves: The Hidden Cost of “Doing It All Right”
Let’s talk about the woman who did everything “right.”
She followed the rules. She submitted. She stayed home. She homeschooled. She bore the children, baked the bread, supported the ministry, and kept the home running while her husband provided. She was told this was the safest, most sacred path. That if she honored God and her husband, she would be protected.
But then—he dies. Or he leaves.
Suddenly, she’s left with a house full of children, a mortgage, medical bills, and no income. She has no résumé, no formal work experience, and few transferable skills that the outside world recognizes. She’s never filed taxes on her own. She may not even know how to access the family’s bank accounts. She is 100% dependent on the goodwill of others—family, church, or community—to survive.
And here’s the cruel irony: the very system that praised her for staying home now punishes her for having no “marketable” skills. The same voices that once applauded her modesty and submission now ask, “Why didn’t she prepare better?” The people who taught her to give her all to this belief and lifestyle, now stand by and merely watch as she struggles to support herself and her family.
This isn’t hypothetical. I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve lived it.
Some women are forced to remarry quickly for financial survival. Others are quietly shuffled into low-wage jobs or church-sponsored charity. Some lose custody of their children to in-laws who claim she’s “not stable enough.” And many are left grieving not just a partner—but the loss of identity, security, and dignity.
This is not empowerment. This is entrapment dressed in lace.
If a woman’s entire life is built on the assumption that her husband will always be there to protect and provide, then her autonomy is not just limited—it’s nonexistent. And when tragedy or abandonment strikes, the consequences are devastating.
True empowerment prepares women for every season of life—not just the ones that fit a curated aesthetic.
When Trad Wife Culture Goes Entrepreneurial
Some modern trad wife influencers push back on critiques by pointing to their financial independence. “I run my own business,” they say. “If my husband died or left, I’d be fine.” And on the surface, it seems like a compelling counterpoint. These women sell handmade goods, curated clothing lines, devotionals, home decor, and lifestyle content. They’re not barefoot and helpless—they’re entrepreneurs with affiliate links and brand deals.
But let’s look closer.
Most of these businesses are built on the brand of submission. Their income depends on selling the aesthetic of the trad wife life: the modest fashion, the curated routines, the “biblical womanhood” messaging. Their platform is their marriage. Their husband is part of the brand. Their children are part of the content. Their femininity is monetized—but only within the boundaries of the mold.
So what happens when the husband dies—or leaves?
Even if the business survives, the woman is still left with the emotional, logistical, and spiritual fallout of a life built around someone else’s leadership. She may have income, yes—but does she have autonomy? Does she have a support system that honors her full humanity, not just her marketable image? Can she pivot without being accused of betrayal? Can she grieve, grow, or change without losing her audience?
And what about the women who followed her example—who didn’t build a brand, who simply believed the message?
The truth is, for every trad wife influencer with a monetized platform, there are thousands of women living the same script without the safety net. No followers. No product line. No backup plan.
Financial independence is not the same as spiritual or relational freedom. And when a woman’s business is built on a theology that limits her voice, her choices, and her growth, it’s not empowerment—it’s branding.
A New Vision of Womanhood
Trad wife culture is not new. It’s a rebranding of old hierarchies with better lighting and curated aesthetics. But women deserve more than a filtered life. They deserve freedom.
Freedom to choose motherhood—or not.
Freedom to work—or not.
Freedom to marry—or not.
Freedom to live without fear of punishment for choosing autonomy.
And most importantly, freedom to define their own sacredness—outside of submission, silence, or sacrifice.
Final Thoughts
I write this not to shame women who find joy in domestic life, but to name the systems that make it compulsory. I write this for the women who are questioning, aching, and afraid to speak. I write this for the daughters being trained to disappear.
Trad wife culture may look beautiful on the outside. But if it demands the erasure of autonomy, it is not wholesome—it is harmful.
I dream of a world where women are not punished for choosing freedom. Where legacy includes liberation. And where tradition is not a cage, but a conversation.
A Note from Rebekah:
I love my family—my husband, my daughter, our Cavapom pup. My life has been a tapestry of change, growth, mistakes, and learning. I still prepare regular meals, do the bulk of grocery shopping, and keep our home tidy. I love decorating, crafting, and creating beauty in our home. We homeschool our kiddo. I respect my husband deeply.
But we are a family—not a hierarchy. We all have a voice. I have a strong mind and will, and my husband doesn’t shrink from that. We are equals.
I believe women should be free to choose a life they want—whether that’s homemaking, career-building, parenting, or something entirely different. I don’t think being a stay-at-home mom is bad. I think it can be sacred, joyful, and deeply meaningful.
What I challenge is the system that tells women it’s all they should do. That submission is the only path to holiness. That autonomy is rebellion.
I write this not to shame women who find fulfillment in domestic life, but to name the harm when that life is demanded, not chosen.
Freedom is not the absence of tradition—it’s the presence of choice.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.