10 Tips to Surviving the Holidays With Religious Trauma
/Let’s be honest, the Holidays can be demanding. There are so many expectations - dinners to make, parties to attend, attire to select, gifts to buy, family to see, pictures to take, lawns to decorate, cookies to bake and trees or tables to adorn. Add in the journey of faith deconstruction or religious trauma recovery and that “ho-ho-ho” might feel more like “woe-woe-woe.”
I’ve been there. And frankly, still have my own struggles during the Holiday season. It’s easy to become jaded, isolated and Grinch-ish because the pain of your adverse religious experience and subsequent religious trauma is so intense.
Here are 10 Tips to Surviving the Holidays With Religious Trauma. This list is not definitive or exhaustive but rather things I personally have learned or seen has helped others.
You can start your own traditions.
Just because your family always did things a certain way does not mean those need to be your traditions. Traditions morph with time and eras. Let things begin organically instead of making yourself do things you don’t like because “that’s how we’ve always done it.”
If a tradition feels safe and comforting to you, keep it. If a tradition stirs up negative emotions or memories, consider putting that tradition on pause for a while and replacing it with something new or, simply letting it go.
You do not have to attend a Holiday church service or function.
For those of us raised in church, Christmas was full of carols and candlelight. Going to a Christmas Eve service can be difficult. Sometimes attending a service at a church of a different denomination might not be so uncomfortable, but sometimes it’s still too triggering. Making yourself walk into a church when healing from religious trauma can bring on strong anxiety for some individuals.
Baby Jesus won’t be offended if you cannot, or choose not to attend a Christmas service this year. In fact, you will be embracing peace - which is very much part of the Holidays. God is not kicked out of Christmas just because you don’t attend a special Holiday service. God is more concerned with your heart and your soul then if you attend a religious ceremony.
The Holidays can hurt.
Whether the trauma is newly understood or this is something you’ve been processing for years, there’s just something about the Holidays that bring up a lot of buried emotions. Often, you don’t know why you are feeling grumpy, overwhelmed or plain out of sorts, you simply sense it’s connected to the spiritual abuse or trauma you’ve lived through. All the to “happy-peppy-people” gleefully rocking around the Christmas tree seem to spin wildly around leaving you disoriented or blurringly depressed.
If you are recovering from religious trauma, there are jingle bell days which are gonna suck. Occasionally, an event or situation will help you gain some awareness into why parts of the Holidays are so difficult for you. But it has to suck before it gets better, and that event likely won’t be your best moment. Just remember that often a flashback can help bring a new understanding or resolution.
Pushing through, ignoring or living on top of the pain might work for a little while, but eventually you will need to face the reality head-on.
You can talk to your kids about your struggles with Holiday exuberance.
Hint: They already know something is up.
Forcing yourself to put on a smile, dance in the kitchen to Christmas songs or prepare a massive Thanksgiving meal while experiencing anxiety, anger or sadness you cannot articulate does no one any good. Trust me, I’ve done this many times. Your kids know something is “off” with you already. Children are extremely intuitive. There’s nothing wrong with letting them know you are working through some big emotions that are connected with what you experienced around the Holidays as a young person. Acknowledge that their life is not your life. You want them to have their own happy memories filled with love, peace and joy.
Part of healing from religious trauma is learning to be vulnerable with your children, you don’t have to pretend you’re perfect or have all the answers. This is part of being a cycle breaker.
Holding on to a good memory may help.
As you have realized what was twisted and manipulated to control the religious narrative of your life, the once happy memories can become tainted.
Is there one good memory, even something very small, you have from a Holiday season in your past? Going to that “happy place,” remembering that one good thing during a wave of deep emotion can help in certain situations. Remember, this is just a chapter in your life’s book, the story isn’t over yet.
Boundaries with friends and family might be necessary.
Boundaries can be difficult because family are often the people we love the most. As you are growing, changing and learning your views will begin to differ from those in your past. Some will recognize and support what you’re going through, others will stiffen, push their opinions and compound the harm. If family or friends have been part of the cause of your religious trauma or spiritual hurt enforcing boundaries is expedient. This is not easy, as there will be pushback especially if you come from an authoritarian or fundamentalist based religious background.
You may also need to set some boundaries with yourself such as, “When I feel overwhelmed, I will stop what I’m doing, take some deep breaths and make a cup of tea, or “When I recognize a conversation or social media thread is not healthy for me, I will leave it.”
You can say “no.”
While connected to the boundaries idea in #6, “no” is a perfectly find thing to say, “No, I don’t feel comfortable wearing that sweater. No, we are not coming to church with the family. No, I did not put up Christmas lights. No, I am not going to discuss that topic.”
When you place these boundaries remember two things: You must enforce the boundary yourself, not the other person and conveying to someone what you need by placing a boundary is not being selfish, disrespectful or drawing a line in the sand.
Ponder these questions:
How have my beliefs or understanding of the Holidays changed?
What is important to me or what do I value about the Holidays?
How can these few Holiday weeks represent who I am now through action, rest or change?
Am I forcing myself to perform Holiday tasks out of choice or duty? Why? Am I ok with those whys?
What do I want to feel during the Holiday season? What is holding me back from experiencing those things?
Ask for help.
And oh, this is a biggie. It probably won’t come naturally because of your past either. It surely hasn’t for me.
Feeling overwhelmed or need support? Tell someone.
Need to verbally process your thoughts? Call a friend.
Is the darkness swallowing you? Go see a therapist.
You should not walk the religious trauma recovery process alone. There is no shame in telling someone, “I need help today.” In fact, there is much wisdom and strength in those words.
It’s ok.
There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel all shiny inside during the Holidays. You have experienced a trauma which affects your mind, body and soul.
Things do get better. You heal, you process - this cannot be rushed, however. In the meantime, give yourself room to just be. Trauma recovery is a process. It’s ok to be sad sometimes, joy was taken from you.
If you are the loved one of someone suffering some Holiday blues because of their journey through spiritual abuse and religious trauma know this:
They want to look forward to and participate in the Holidays.
It really does hurt.
Don’t force or guilt them to do something that makes them uncomfortable.
They are doing their best.
Show empathy and gentleness when a situation triggers a negative memory or feeling.
The Holidays might bring up confusing emotions.
Embarrassment and shame are go-to emotions when faced with having to explain why they just can’t participate in something.
Try new things with them, when they express the desire.
They may want to explore new ideas or beliefs. Walk with them!
