8 Tips to Deconstructing Your Faith Without Losing Your Marriage
/When you’re married or in a committed relationship, one of the hardest parts about experiencing faith deconstruction or a Spiritual Identity Disruption TM, is the toll it takes on that valuable relationship. Realizing you had been handed a toxic, controlling or abusive version of faith is hard enough, but what comes next as you process everything can retraumatize, devastate and potentially shatter an already fractured sense of self.
Struggle within relationships is one of the top things I see with clients and friends as they begin to dismantle unhealthy systems, thoughts and belief foundations. This may include personal identity, gender roles, Purity Culture, politics, parenting, Biblical interpretation and much more. My own marriage has suffered greatly due to wrong thinking, twisted teachings and confusion which had to be faced with grace mingled with conflict, confusion and at times, emotional chaos. There was no guide book when my faith deconstruction began, no language or resources, no Facebook group or counselor to support me or my marriage along the way. Thankfully, for you, things are different now!
It’s not uncommon for people to “hold off” processing their questions and doubts due to the disruptive powers of deconstruction they sense in their marriages and families. This may take years, leaving your family in tact, but you carrying internal weight. Others naively and purely enter a season of faith deconstruction only to realize the ramifications of this journey are very great and either slow or cease their quest, or embrace a zeal for truth finding no matter what it costs.
If you are the spouse of someone walking through a season of immense pain, grief and bewilderment because of how they were raised in the church know this - it’s a long journey. It’s not gonna be over in six months or a year. Their entire identity and foundation must be rebuilt. Show patience, love and acceptance. Trauma and abuse may surface. Your loved one may have some bad days or weeks.
If you are the person experiencing a crisis of spiritual identity - for starters, you’re not alone. There are thousands who have walked this path. Your marriage is going to take a beating, but show patience, love and acceptance to your partner. They are not in the same place as you or going the same speed.
Remember, you married the person, not what they believe.
While at first part of why you were compatible was a shared belief system, I certainly hope you married your spouse or chose your partner for more than just that. What attracted you to them? What is it about their personality or character you admire? Remember, you are not what you believe but what you believe does inform how you behave. Ask yourself, “What has REALLY changed?”
Write a list of what you both still have in common.
This might be something very small - “We both like mint chocolate chip ice cream,” or be something with more depth, “We both want our children to know they are loved unconditionally,” Write the list. Yes, things are changing, but not everything. It’s easier to look at what’s different then what is the same.
Be willing to compromise.
Being absolutely right about everything is a fundamentalist, legalistic mindset. You don’t have to be right. Choose your relationship over being right. Respect the other person’s moral compass and deeply held convictions, but know when it’s time to be flexible. It’s ok to make a mistake. It’s ok to change your mind. It’s ok.
You don’t own the rights to your spouse’s spiritual life and are not responsible for their decisions or beliefs. That’s their job.
If your wife cannot go to church without being triggered so she stays home now, don’t make up excuses or apologize. Also, don’t have to say things like, “She’s going through a faith crisis right now.” If your husband does still go to church, do not condemn them for seeking community and faith. You can both agree what you will tell people, should the need arise. But know this - you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your spiritual journey.
Couples who disagree on religion, politics and more can have a healthy marriage based on love and mutual respect.
They were a whole, complete person before you married them. You do not have to become one in everything you think and believe. That’s just, ew! I’ve heard it said, “If two people always agree on everything, one of them isn’t necessary.” Embrace the passion that comes from healthy debate. Learn to set boundaries and not cross them.
Listen to hear and be open to learning together, even if you don’t understand.
You might be surprised what will happen if you listen to the podcasts and read some books too. But most importantly, listen to your spouse without judgement, without thinking about the next thing you want to say. Ask clarifying questions.
Taking a break from church and a religious community will not bring the wrath of God or end your marriage.
If you have been hurt by the church, a toxic version of faith or harmed by people in a religious community, church detox may be necessary for you to find healing. Going right back to the place and culture which brought about abuse, manipulation or control is not always a good idea. Some are able to deconstruct harmful teachings while changing denominations or communities, but most often a temporary, or even permanent absence from church is part of coming to spiritual wholeness again.
Your partner is not the first and will not be the last person to dissect what they believe and discover there are holes in their faith foundation.
You are not alone. You are not the only couple trying to figure out what’s going on and how to keep your relationship functioning let alone healthy. It’s true that not every marriage will make it through. But many are able to find a new normal based on mutual respect and love.
