Church Hurts
/Going to church can hurt. Like really hurt. As in it can bring on a panic attack or tears and emotional soul wrenching.
The weight of years of partial truth on your shoulders pulls down in full force. There are triggers starting in the parking lot. Just making it inside the church building takes outrageous courage. You want to believe. You want to be there. The foyer starts to spin. Your heart beats faster and faster. People around you become a blur. The feeling to run overwhelms. The music and program format are all too familiar. You remember the past. It feels as though someone is slowly wrapping your body in plastic wrap. Before long, your whole body is tight and you can’t hear anything but the pounding inside your head and you finally give in to the desire to escape before your whole being explodes.
The God you thought you knew, was a human-made God. Who can you believe? Who is telling the truth?
When the very thing that was supposed to equip you, bless you, teach you, bring you truth - when that thing was actually used as a weapon against you, to manipulate, control and to harm you it is a tough pill to swallow. You feel betrayed. Lied to. Deceived and used.
Let me ease your mind a bit – it is ok. You are not crazy for feeling like this. It is a symptom of religious or spiritual abuse. You have endured a trauma.
I know people who love Jesus and never go to church. But tradition says it is wrong to not attend church on a weekly basis. Tradition says it is a sin. Tradition says you are a bad person because you are not sitting in a church pew every Sunday morning.
The year 2020 and the COVID-19 Pandemic is one for the history books. It has changed the world. It has changed how we do church. And more importantly, it is changing why we do church. Hashtags such as #rethinkchurch are surfacing as Christ-followers are ditching walls and denomination labels and choosing instead, to be the hands and feet of Jesus by reaching their community’s spiritual, physical and emotional needs – without the use of a brick-and-mortar church building.
Church Attendance
Many believe that we based Sunday worship services on the Jewish tradition of the Sabbath and from the book of Genesis where God rests on the seventh day. Also, 1 Corinthians describes how to behave when we do come together as a church. Other books in the New Testament give examples of churches thus the term, “New Testament Church.” Our own history and cultures have greatly influenced how we do church now, today, not just the Bible.
Let us see a bit of what the Bible says to Christians:
“Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”
The above reference is one of the most common Scriptures used to explain the need for church attendance. But hold on - it doesn’t say, “go to church every Sunday morning.” Its does say, “…not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together.”
“Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.”
“ For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
When I sit in my living room jamming out hymns and worship songs with friends, we are fulfilling Hebrews 10:25, Ephesians 5:19 and Matthew 18:20. Two or more are assembling together exhorting one another and singing to the Lord.
When I meet at Starbucks with a friend, sip my latte and discuss theological topics, we are assembling ourselves together.
When my husband and I sit at home and discuss what God is teaching us personally and in our marriage, we are assembling ourselves together.
When I attend a church service or Bible study and listen to a leader teach, we are assembling ourselves together.
When I pray with a co-worker, we are assembling ourselves together.
Need I go on?
Church Abuse
Another argument is that if you have become disillusioned while attending church, you must have been looking to man instead of God the whole time.
While this may be the case for some, I have found that most often it is because those to whom you are referring either abused, misused or misunderstood Scripture - whether intentional or not.
Children growing up in a church are a product of the culture and teachings of that church. Children are innocent and moldable, vulnerable and trusting. There is a growing number of people who have backed away from church attendance because when they entered adulthood, they began to see that the church they grew up in got it horribly wrong, but yet they are so baffled as to what the truth actually is, they have to get completely away in order to start fresh with the God of the Bible.
This generation - raised in church, Biblically literate, experienced in ministry and trained in apologetics – are now trying to change a Christian culture and fundamentalist belief system by drawing a line in the sand by saying, “No more,” to spiritual abuse. This movement transcends denomination and creed. It is the next Great Awakening. A call to truth.
When spiritual abuse has been realized, individuals often land in one of these camps:
The God they have learned to obey, serve and follow is a liar.
There is no God.
The Bible cannot be trusted or is not true.
The humans who taught them about God missed something and messed it up.
Trust no one.
For me, church attendance has been a journey. A painful, and on-going one. Yup, I am one of those raised in church - like since birth.
After over five years of intense guilt for not attending Sunday morning services on a regular basis - and feeling ashamed because of that guilt - and forcing myself to attend church only to live through what I described in the opening sentences of this article, I went on staff at a large church.
This was going to be a “happy-medium” for me as I would be going to church with my family every Sunday but I had a job to do, I did not have to attend services. For a year, this worked beautifully. I was in the church environment without being triggered. What a win! I was focused on my work and distracted by responsibilities on Sundays. The events or programs not on Sundays were great too! I loved being with my family in this way.
Then…enter a new staff member. I had never been bullied or falsely accused in such a way. In the end, it was me or them.
I gave “the church” another chance and it happened again. This person had been church leadership/staff for nearly as long as I had been alive. This experience set me back…years of work…Trigger-Fest 101. I’d been tripped by a good ‘ole stumbling block.
While still reeling from the pain, feeling misunderstood and abused, asking questions and in shock - I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart. “Give yourself permission to never go to church again.” And that is what I did.
I cannot tell you the burden that was lifted. The guilt and shame rolled away. Then I heard, “I love you whether you go to church or not.”
Church Detox
As a point of clarification, I did not write these words to tell you to never, ever go to church. If you have that pull in your heart to attend church or be part of a faith community - you should go. If you have been wounded by people in church leadership, the mis-used teachings of the church or have suffered spiritual abuse at the hands of a cultish ministry and it is too painful for you to walk into a place of worship – you do not have to go. Church detox is often necessary for those healing from religious trauma.
This is a season of searching. The real Jesus brings life. When you walk in the doors of Worship and the life is being sucked right out of you, something is terribly wrong. There are many positive benefits of being part of a healthy church community. When it is time, when you have healed some wounds, perhaps you will find your way back to a pew again…maybe not.
I do challenge you to do three things:
· Find a psychologist, licensed counselor or certified coach who can help you process your thoughts, emotions and evolving beliefs. Someone with specialized training in trauma and/or religious abuse is optimal.
· Seek a community to support you on this journey. This may be a tribe of people you hang out with all the time or a group you join online.
· Allow yourself the time you need to heal. This is not a sprint, it is a triathlon. Do not give yourself a deadline.
But in the meantime, take a deep breath. Again, this is a season, but make it a pro-active one. You may feel awkward for a while. You may not have answers to certain moral or political questions like you used to. What you thought that Bible reference meant, you now discover is completely wrong. Take another deep breath.
God’s truth has not changed. His original intent is still intact.
God does not love you any less because you cannot go to church. You were lied to. Someone abused you. You are His wounded child. He wants to help bring healing. Search for His truth. Not man’s version of truth. Allow yourself to ask those questions you have always had. This is an exciting time! Do not lose hope. God is not afraid of your questions. The real God is still there, He is waiting for you and understands.
Like the wise Jewish sage, Schmidt, from the sitcom New Girl said, “Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be another bird getting up.” Do not let your church hurt keep you in the ash. You can rise with wisdom, charity, purpose and yes, a new faith.
