Four Responses of Unhealed Trauma
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The more I interact with people who have been hurt the more I see two things: One, there are people who are saying all the right “recovery things,” they may take courses, follow trauma influencers, read some books but their actions don’t add up. They’re not putting in the hard work to heal. And two, I see the people who truly want to heal and change the patterns around them. They never stop trying, they make mistakes but learn and their life sphere begins to be filled with peace along with healthier patterns and people
This brings me to the post I am writing today. I want to take a deeper dive into the world of trauma responses – those ways our minds and bodies react to past hurts, shaping our thoughts and actions long after the dust settles. Sometimes we think we’ve dealt with something, but realize patterns are still in place that may be signals something isn’t healed, healthy or whole.
Trauma isn't just about the event itself; it's about what lingers in its wake. It's about those little things and reactions that sometimes catch us off guard, leaving us wondering, "Where did that come from?" Or those who love us the most bewildered at our reaction.
Grab a cup of tea or snag a classic brown sugar milk tea with boba and settle in as we explore the fascinating terrain of trauma responses together.
People-Pleasing: The Art of Making Others Happy
Let's start with a familiar one – people-pleasing. It's that age-old dance of putting others' needs and desires ahead of our own, often at the expense of our well-being. Or another form of pepole-pleasing is the burning need to keep the people around us happy. But why do we do it, and how does it tie into trauma?
For many trauma survivors, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism rooted in a fear of abandonment or rejection. Perhaps you had to live this way to survive your childhood or a relationship. We've learned to prioritize others' needs over our own as a way to avoid conflict, gain approval, or simply feel safe in our relationships. If someone is upset with us, doesn’t like or agree with something or is just not having a good day, we want to fix it and make the situation all better…now, right away. We do whatever it takes to get that peaceful feeling back and gain the assurance from the other person that we made it all better. We cannot sit in the disapproval or discontentment of someone else if we can fix it.
But here's the thing:
While people-pleasing may seem harmless on the surface, it can take a serious toll on our mental health and self-esteem. Constantly prioritizing others' needs over our own can leave us feeling drained, resentful, and disconnected from our authentic selves. It is also doing a great disservice to the people we care about as we may not always speak our truth or be honest about a situation to maintain a sense of peace in the moment.
How do we break free from the people-pleasing trap?
Begin recognizing our own worth - you are a human and you exist and if for no other reason (and there are other reasons) you matter. You are worthy and you are important! Learning to set healthy boundaries and being the one to keep those boundaries is vital too. It means prioritizing self-care and practicing assertiveness, even when it feels uncomfortable. (Dang it! I’m still learning this one.) And most importantly, it involves surrounding ourselves with people who love and support us for who we are, not just what we can do for them. It’s ok if someone is upset or unhappy, disagrees or is disgruntled but that doesn’t feel right for so many of us and we bend over backwards trying to fix that thing in the moment without truly giving though to the bigger picture.
Seeking Control: The Illusion of Safety
Next up, let's talk about control – or rather, the illusion of control. It's that insatiable desire to micromanage every aspect of our lives, fueled by a deep-seated fear of uncertainty and vulnerability. For those leaving an abusive or harmful religious space, being in control or being controlled may feel second nature.
Trauma survivors seeking control can be a way to regain a sense of safety and predictability in a world that feels chaotic and unpredictable. We've learned to hyper-focus on the things we can control – our routines, our environments, even our relationships – as a way to ward off the looming threat of danger.
But here's the thing:
The more we cling to control, the more it slips through our fingers. It's like trying to hold onto water – the tighter we grip, the faster it trickles away. And in our quest for certainty, we often end up feeling even more anxious and out of control than before. Also, we can push good people away and destroy the very thing we are trying to hold on to.
How do we loosen our grip and find peace in the midst of uncertainty?
We must start with acceptance – accepting that uncertainty is a natural part of life and that we can't control everything that happens to us. It means learning to let go of the need for perfection and embracing the beauty of imperfection instead.
Last summer, my family vacationed in Wyoming and Colorado. As we always do, we visit local museums and historic places along the way. While in Wyoming, we toured the recently renovated capitol building. They explained to us that at the top of the majestic, hand carved staircase we would find a piece intentionally placed upside down. This was to remind the builder, the people and the state that not everything has to be perfect and not everything will be exactly right we just have to do the best we can at the time.
There’s a small piece of framed art in my hallway that reads, “Trust the order of your life.” So as we learn to let go of control, we must know that we have the resilience to weather any storm, we have so far! Holding on tighter is no guarantee we will keep or get what we want, in fact we are hurting ourselves and those around us.
Addiction to Drama: Riding the Rollercoaster
Now, let's talk about drama – not the kind you see on reality TV, but the kind that plays out in our everyday lives. It's that addictive rush of adrenaline we get from chaos and conflict, the thrill of the rollercoaster ride that keeps us coming back for more.
For trauma survivors, addiction to drama can be a way to distract ourselves from the pain and discomfort of our past experiences. We've learned to seek out drama and excitement as a way to feel alive, to feel something – anything – other than the numbness and emptiness, pain or uncertainty that often accompany trauma.
But here's the thing:
While drama may provide a temporary escape from our pain, it ultimately keeps us stuck in a cycle of chaos and dysfunction. It sabotages our relationships, derails our goals, and leaves us feeling exhausted and depleted.
How do we break free from the drama addiction cycle?
Unfortunately, this step cannot be taught, but you can learn to become more aware – recognizing the patterns that keep us hooked on drama. Awareness means recognizing our own triggers, observing our patterns and learning healthier ways to cope with our emotions and channel our time and energy into positive outlets. We must learn to intentionally surround ourselves with people who uplift and inspire us, rather than dragging us down into the drama spiral. (This might mean saying goodbye to or distancing ourselves from those people who feed or create some of that drama.)
Being Led by Emotions: That Wild Horse
Last but not least, let's talk about emotions – the wild horses that sometimes seem hell-bent on dragging us along for the ride. It's the bucking and kicking, highs and lows, twists and turns, that can leave us feeling like we're at the mercy of our own minds.
Being led by emotions can be a way trauma survivors cope with overwhelming feelings of fear, anger, and sadness. We've learned to suppress our emotions or numb them out altogether as a way to protect ourselves from further pain. We may also not know exactly what we’re feeling and why. There are lifelong patterns of survival and coping we must face too.
But here's the thing:
Emotions are like waves; they ebb and flow, rise and fall, whether we like it or not. And the more we try to suppress or ignore them, the more they tend to swell up and overwhelm us in the end.
Is it possible to ride the emotional wild horse without getting thrown off?
Yes, but it’s gonna take practice. We have to accept that emotions are a natural part of being human and that it's okay to feel whatever we're feeling. It means learning to sit with our emotions, without judgment or resistance, and allowing them to pass through us like clouds in the sky. It also involves finding new, healthier ways to express and regulate our emotions, whether through journaling, mindfulness, or simply reaching out for support when we need it most. When we don’t feel our emotions, we react instead of responding. Reaction is knee-jerk, immediate. Being reactive can keep us in a swirling spiral. Being responsive involves breathing, resting and feeling through those difficult emotions, taking the time we need to regulate, thinking through all perspectives of the situation and then finally, acting.
Conclusion: The Journey of Healing
Well, we've covered quite the ground today, haven't we? While there are many more ways trauma shows up in our lives, even long after the event has passed, the impact of that experiecnes carries on. From diving into people-pleasing to unraveling the mysteries of control-seeking, drama addiction, and the emotional wild ride, we’ve talked about some of the ways unhealed trauma can reveal itself in our day to day.
Cutting some fluff for a moment: Healing from trauma isn't easy, and it sure as heck isn't glamorous. It's messy, it's painful, and it's downright exhausting at times. There are days when we feel like we're making progress, and days when we feel like we're right back at square one. And you know what? That's okay. It’s part of the process. Remember my sign? “Trust the order of your life.”
Because here's the thing:
Healing isn't about reaching some magical destination where everything is rainbows and sunshine. It's about the journey – the messy, imperfect, beautifully human journey of unraveling our past, making peace with our pain, and learning to embrace the full spectrum of our experiences. We heal so that we don’t repeat harmful patterns. We heal so we can create safer spaces for ourselves and those we love.
As we navigate the twists and turns of our own healing journeys, let's remember to be kind to ourselves and to each other, even though both can be challenging sometimes. And let's hold onto hope – not the cheesy, Hallmark movie kind of hope, but the gritty, resilient kind of hope that refuses to give up, no matter how dark the night may seem.
Healing is possible. It may not be easy, it may not be quick, but it's possible. And together, with a little bit of courage, a whole lot of compassion, and a dash of humor thrown in for good measure, we'll get there.
Here's to us, those of us recovering from trauma – to our strength, our resilience, and our unwavering determination to keep moving forward towards healing, one messy step at a time.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.