3 Stages of Deconstruction
/What is deconstruction?
Deconstruction is a personalized piecing apart of one’s belief system. This may include political and religious views, gender roles, race and identity.
There is no set amount of time – each person deconstructs at their own pace. Often, a painful or dramatic event can initiate the deconstruction process.
A complete deconstruction can involve what feels to be a total erasing of what a person thought was normal – how you interact with people, raise your kids, behave, treat your spouse, believe about your faith, view the world at large and yes, even basic daily practices such as taking a class, getting dressed, eating meals, going to the store or social gatherings.
Recognition
In order to begin deconstruction, one must first recognize that something is “wrong” with their belief system or lifestyle
Becoming a mother opened my eyes to the fact that the world was not exactly as I had been taught to believe. This concept had begun creeping into my heart years before when I lived in India. The way good Christian people behaved and believed was so different from what I had been taught was absolutely God’s perfect design.
While attending my first church service back home, I turned to my dad and said, “This church is dead. There’s no life here. Just look around.” I felt like an outsider, as if I didn’t belong.
Of course, this was not OK. I must be suffering from culture shock. This was the church I’d grown up in and everyone there was on fire for God. It was just me that was struggling through re-entry.
Fast forward a few years and you’ll find me as a young, new mother battling the idea that God had abandoned me and He was punishing me or, that maybe He didn’t even exist.
Because of my life experiences, I began to see there were inconsistencies, errors and an imbalance in what I’d been taught and what life and the world were really like. This is where my deconstruction began.
Reprogramming
Once you understand that how you were raised, the church or group you joined or the philosophy by which you lived your life had holes or serious errors in it, you must replace the old ways and thoughts with new ones. But this gets tricky. What is truth? Who can be trusted? What has bugs or glitches that are harmful? This can prove most frustrating.
Everyone and every organizations seemingly have an agenda – all you want it truth and peace. – and truth again. Enter a season of wrestling – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially and this may lead to economic or cultural as well.
When those little red flags that pop up – that’s experience and wisdom. Don’t ignore your radar. Slowly reprogram.
Here are some of my recommendations:
Take time to research and study.
Ask questions.
Read a lot.
Listen to your gut.
Expand your social circle.
Be willing to be wrong or change your mind.
Beware the pendulum swing.
Find a coach or counselor with experience in trauma.
You are finding who you were designed to be, your factory settings. This may be when you discover your personality, preferences, dreams, natural inclinations or abilities or just what makes you tick. You are changing your thoughts which then become actions and behaviors. Maybe for the first time in your life you are making decisions for yourself. Perhaps this is extra scary because you are making life-altering choices that are opposite to what you always thought was the only way.
During this reinvention stage it’s common to feel like a social misfit. You don’t “get” all the jokes and innuendos because well frankly, you’ve never seen the shows, heard the songs or read the books. You might no know how to order at a bar, go to the movies, buy a pair of jeans, interact with someone of the opposite sex in a casual and friendly manner, treat your spouse as a equal, find a good counselor, drive a car, enroll in school…and I could continue this list for many paragraphs.
An individual’s deconstruction and reprogramming can be confusing to those around you if they are not deconstructing too or excited that you’ve seen your way “out.”
This can also be a very lonely time. It can be a time where you are rejected by people you love or chose to distance yourself in order to set boundaries or protect yourself.
These three relationships seem to struggle the most:
Immediate Family
Close or Long-term Friendships
Spouse or Significant Other
Even if those you love the most support you, those relationships can be tested. They should be given grace too, as you proceed through your deconstruction. I have marveled at my husband’s patience with me over the years – not that’s it’s easy for him, not that he’s been perfectly patient – but he hears my heart, he listens through my tears and sincerely tries to help. Marriages don’t always make it through deconstruction. Families do not always stay intact - parents and siblings become estranged – because of hurts, abuse, misunderstanding, boundaries or sheer pride. The friends (or the siblings) you grew up with, in the old way of thinking, they don’t always deconstruct. Instead, they might reject or laugh at you, think you’re crazy or secretly envy your courage.
As I mentioned from the beginning, deconstruction is a personalized process. There’s no right way to deconstruct. It’s painful, bone deep. There will be agonizing grief and loss, what kind, that’s different for each person too. There are unexpected challenges.
Frequently, people are helped by:
Watching all the movies and shows that were popular during their growing up years.
Taking a hiatus from church attendance or changing denominations.
Taking an intentional break from places or people who trigger you.
Connecting with a counselor or life coach.
Reading, lots of reading.
Doing all the freedom firsts with a person who “gets it.”
Facing a fear.
Learning a new skill.
Getting a degree or certification.
Joining an online or in-person support group.
Writing about their journey - a journal, book or blog!
Finding a new tribe to love you.
Trauma-informed mental and emotional care.
Learning and practicing self-care.
Relapse
After months or years of intentional, targeted rebuilding, after working through relationship struggles, identifying what needed adjusting…yet another wave of realization hits you. You thought you were done with deconstruction! You thought you’d put in the hard work and made progress. You thought all the wrong beliefs and mindsets had been faced head-on and dealt with.
This is the phase most people don’t expect. This is where people get stuck or angry or decide to give up. This is what people think will not happen to them.
If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself saying, “Put me back in the box. I know the rules there. I know what’s expected of me there. I know how to behave in the box. I know the pitfalls now and how to avoid the worst parts. I’ll be better off this time…just put me back in the box. I can’t do this anymore.”
Ride the waves my friend, “Wave on wave,” just like the country songs says. Each wave will take you to a new level. For me, this has always been a new level of confidence, self-awareness and peace. There is no place of arrival. Life truly is about the journey, not the destination. Don’t give up, don’t go back.
Conclusion
At some point in your deconstruction you will be faced the with decision to keep the cycle going or be a cycle breaker.
Breaking the unhealthy cycles (manipulation, abuse, shame trauma, control) can be a terrifying freedom but it gives those coming behind you the chance to thrive. Darkness does not get to win.
