Predisposed to Being Judgmental
/We had just moved to a much smaller town. Like big city to a handful of stop lights. Everything had changed - the political climate, culture of the people, there were only a couple local places to eat, no quaint coffee shops and one grocery store. I’d seen men riding horses through town and the police station was a metal building with an elaborate lamp post outside.
It was my first trip to the Post Office - just a tiny little building in the heart of town. Right before getting out of my car, a beat up 1980’s sports car ripped into the parking lot. The car was a mixture of several bright colors - mostly replacement panels. Music was blaring. And a buddy was laughing in the front seat.
As the driver emerged from the car, I saw he was a young man, appearing to be in high school. His shorts hung low, way low, and a dirty blond mass of curls covered his eyes and ears. Without looking both ways first, he dashed across the parking lot and into the Post Office, hiking up his shorts as he scurried.
There I sat, in my car, judging the kid. I was so righteous.
His business inside the building lasted less than a minute and he was headed back out the Post Office. Before he could leave the awning covering the door, the boy spied an elderly woman with a walker coming up the sidewalk. He retraced his steps and held open the door, waiting at least a full minute for the lady to make it all the way up the walk. He didn’t leave until she was safely shuffled inside.
There I sat, in my car, impressed by the kid. I was so humbled.
Growing up in a fundamental Christian environment predisposed me to being subtly judgmental. That judgement was righteously disguised and McDonald’s sweet tea sweet with a “bless your heart” to top things off. You see, we were right – we had absolute Biblical truth – everyone else needed to be like us. We were living a doctrinally sound, set-apart Holy life. The more convictions you had, the Holier you were. If someone else was living with more convictions or a higher standard than you, perhaps they were more enlightened by God and you needed to add another conviction. (Another post for another day perhaps?)
Battling with myself that afternoon, I queried internally, “Why had I fallen into the trap of judging the young man?” For years I had striven to overcome legalism. I had embraced grace and true freedom because of Jesus and yet there I was blatantly judging this boy in my mind – for no reason what-so-ever. I knew better. It’s about the heart, not conformity.
From a psychological perspective, there are several reasons we are wired to make snap judgments - am I in a safe place, what is this person’s body language telling me about this situation, are the people around me responding to my jokes, is it time to turn out of the driveway, do we call the doctor or go to the ER - those sort of judgement calls are important in life. Many may even be part of our EQ, or emotional intelligence. But this is not the kind of judging I’m referring too - nothing that potentially would create a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response or make you miss a three-point basket.
I am talking about the human natural to desire feeling like we are better than someone else. Humans long for validation, that they are a good person. We want to believe we have brilliant ideas, are raising our kids correctly, aren’t the one responsible for our marriage struggles, that we are great with finances, that our sense of fashion is on fleek, but, the reality is...when we begin to compare our personal ideas, beliefs or concepts to other people’s…that’s pride. Not the pride you feel when you win a competition, finish your first marathon or your kid gets straight A’s. The unhealthy kind of pride that makes you feel superior to other people.
Denomination or Church Affiliation
Political Party
Ethnicity
Education
Gender
Parenting Choices
Clothing Size or Style Preference
Age
Economic Status
Nothing listed above (or anything else!) makes you more important or more right than any other human being. When we judge someone, we are really saying, “I think I’m better,” or, “I think I’m right.” When we make blanket judgement calls about a person’s character or personal choices we are really saying, “I’d do it better...I am better...I think I’m right.”
The pioneer scientist George Washington Carver said, “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.”
A family is comprised of the old and young, weak and strong.
Are you raising your family to show compassion and sympathy, to show tenderness and tolerance to those who cross your path and to each other? Are you a household of judgement or shame - “our family is better than other people,” “other people are just weird and we know the right way to do things,” “you always do that, you’re so annoying,” “you’re not smart enough to do that?”
Do people feel loved and accepted by your family? Do your children?
A church is comprised of the old and young, weak and strong.
If you attend church, are you part of a community where in the classroom or from the pulpit, in home groups or office banter there is a sense of, “Us four and no more, “ “we are special and have it all figured out,” “other denominations or churches are not as Biblically sound as we are,” “our way of doing things is the best way,” “oh those poor lost souls, we are better because we know Jesus.”
Or is your church serving others both collectively and individually? Is your church showing compassion to the hurting, not just with a “Jesus will help you” Band Aid, but with qualified counseling or coaching to support their individual trauma or situations? Is your church environment more focused on the behavior, appearance and actions of it’s people than it is their relationships with Jesus and one another?
Before my afternoon Post Office lesson, I thought those legalistic, judgmental days were far behind me. But it’s a coupled battle: my childhood learning and natural inclination.
Don’t let anyone tell you that deconstruction is easy. Realizing you were predisposed to cast judgement, sheesh, nature and nurture both got me on this one. But, recognition is an opportunity for growth. Self-awareness comes with great responsibility. I’m learning, I’m changing and doggone it, people…it’s hard.
“Hello, my name is Rebekah and I judge people.”
“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these”
