After a two-day road trip and then installing a kitchen backsplash with my family, this 40-something gal’s neck decided it needed a break. So, I found myself laid in up bed resting properly and flat on my back. I began scouring all the usual streaming platforms and landed on Amazon’s, “The Red Virgin.” It was a movie about the very real Hildegart Rodriquez Carballeira - a young prodigy academic from Spain who lived nearly a century ago.

Alert: Plot spoiler ahead!

As the movie reached its climactic end, my pulse quickened—not just because of the impending drama, but because I recognized echoes of my own experience in the exchanges between Hildegart and her mother. Here are some key moments from their conversation around the dining table:

Mother, “After everything I’ve done for you!”

Hildegart, “Everything you’ve ever done was for your own sake.”

Mother, “I gave up my life for this work.”

Hildegart, “At the cost of my own happiness, at the cost of a man’s life.”

Mother, “No project succeeds without sacrifice.”

Hildegart, “You want to own me…for your own interests and nobody owns us, Mother. Nobody owns us. Nobody owns me.”

Mother, “I own you.”

Hildegart, “Nobody owns me. From now on I will make my own decisions. From now on, I am free.”

Hildegart’s mother viewed her daughter as her life’s work—an experiment meticulously designed to create the perfect modern woman who would help liberate women, destigmatize sexuality and reshape society. Using eugenics principles, she had selected Hildegart’s biological father and infused this ideology into her entire plan. (It’s worth noting that James Dobson of Focus on the Family was deeply involved in eugenics at the start of his career.)

Hildegart’s mother is quoted as saying, “The sculptor, after discovering the most minimal imperfection in her work, destroys it.” She had indoctrinated Hildegart without space for the child’s own will.

Parents with fundamentalist mindset (regardless of religious belief) can easily cast away their own children when they no longer fit their mold, design plan, or have shown flaws. Some examples from Christian fundamentalism are:

Female child becomes pregnant while unmarried.
Child comes out as gay.
Child listens to unapproved music.
Child attends another church or leaves their faith.
Child seen as rebellious for questioning authority.

As I write this article, I am sitting inside a Barnes & Noble Café. I feel like I’m coming full circle in a way. About 9 years ago (give or take, life has gone so fast) I nervously waited in a Barnes & Noble Café where I would be meeting a friend from my past who would help me edit and improve my resume. We both had grown up in fundamentalist Christianity. She understood my resume as only someone from “that world” could. Today, my resume looks vastly different than the version we crafted during that meeting, but it was an essential starting point. It was me saying, “My past will no longer decide my future.”

So here I sit, with a coffee beverage beside me and a laptop in front of me, attempting to write about a smart, courageous girl who stood up to her “authority” who was not allowing her to be free because she was only allowed to conform and become what she was told she was supposed to be. While I hear all the terminologies and catch phrases from my past bouncing back and forth in my ears which trigger the memory of a similar predicament of being told who I was and who I was going to be.

What strikes me most is this: before the completion of, “The Red Virgin,” it’s clear that Hildegart’s mother is mentally unstable—in real life she ended up in prison and was diagnosed with paranoia and schizophrenia. Yet authoritarian parents—especially those within religious fundamentalism—often escape similar scrutiny unless they resort to extreme measures. Why do we recognize Hildegart's mother's mental health struggles as problematic while authoritarian parents get a free pass as long as they don’t resort to killing their own child? Is there a connection between controlling parenting styles and mental or emotional instability? Does combining religious beliefs with an authoritarian mindset make things even more toxic?

We kids who grew up in (and the children still being raised inside) this system of authoritarian fundamentalism that reverberates with the sound of the exacting control, hyper structured upbringing dynamics and indoctrinated purpose, well, we were all alone too – in our homes, heads and hearts. A few of us had a family member or family friend who dropped breadcrumbs of freedom, kind words of hope, or a glimpse into how life could be different, like Hildegart did.

And while my developmental years were certainly not designed to have me become a feminist who brought Spain political and sexual revolution, my childhood was masterminded to form me into a woman who helped take over American politics and government for Christ, embody purity and Holy femininity, bear children to beat out the Muslim and Catholic reproduction rate and spread the evangelical version of the Gospel around the world. Just like at the hand of Momma Carballeira, my early years were laced with an agenda.

Freedom is sacred. But freedom and control both carry a great cost. Those who control might think are trying to keep safe, keep functional, keep something right, keep nurtured, but in reality, that type of holding onto only destroys the very thing they say they are protecting. The cost of that control is suffocation, unhealth, loss or death. Freedom from control often costs us love, safety, community or our very lives. The cost goes both ways. The control vs freedom dynamic is not one sided, albeit the one desiring freedom generally understands the cost while the controller feels they are the one who has been harmed.

But what I have found on the other side of, “…nobody owns us, Mother,” is that the cost is worth the freedom. Humans were made to be free to think, believe, plan, create, try, fail and hope. When one person forces their beliefs and ideas onto another, that denies the sacredness inside that other human and destroys souls.

I believe all humans are sculpted in the likeness of Divinity and you can’t put the Divine inside a box or call it flawed.

Depending on your tastes and criteria for movies, this film might resonate with you—or it might not. As for me, once again a film has made me ponder and clearly, I related to themes portrayed in, “The Red Virgin.” May we learn from the life and untimely demise of Hildegart Rodriquez Carballeira. Love holds in an open hand; control holds on tightly.

This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.

Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.

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The Red Virgin: A tale of control and freedom.