When Love Becomes a Weapon: The Hidden Hurt in Christian Homes
/Hey there, friend. Can we talk about something that's been weighing on my heart lately? It's about how love sometimes gets twisted in Christian homes, turning into a tool for control instead of the beautiful, unconditional thing it's meant to be.
You know that feeling when you're a kid, and your mom promises you can go to your best friend's house on Saturday? You're so excited, counting down the days. But then Saturday morning rolls around, and you forget to clean your room on Friday. Suddenly, that play date you've been looking forward to all week? It's gone. Poof. Just like that. "If you can't be responsible at home," they said, "you don't get to go out and have fun."
Maybe at the time, it seemed fair. You messed up, so you got punished, right? But looking back, you can now realize something much deeper was happening. Your parents were using your relationships – your connection to friends, to joy, to the outside world – as a bargaining chip.
And here's the kicker: they actually broke a promise to you. They had committed to letting you go to play at a friend’s house, and then they went back on their word because they didn't like something you did. Let's call it what it is: that's lying. It's saying one thing and doing another. And it teaches kids that promises don't really mean anything – they can be broken whenever it's convenient for the person in power.
This, my friends, is what we call weaponizing relationships. And let me tell you, it's more common in Christian homes than you might think.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking. "But Rebekah, isn't discipline important? Don't kids need to learn responsibility?" Absolutely! But here's the thing – there's a big difference between teaching responsibility and making love conditional, between discipline and breaking promises. Also, discipline and punishment are not the same thing,
When we use relationships as punishment, when we go back on our word, we're sending a powerful message: "You're only worthy of love and connection when you behave or do things right." Ouch, right? Would you ever say, "God only loves you when you're good?” Actions speak louder than words, and this kind of discipline can shape how a child sees love, the Divine, future relationships and themselves.
Think about it. If a child grows up believing that their parents' love is conditional, that promises can be broken at will based on their performance, it's not a huge leap to start thinking that God's love, and the love of all other people, works the same way. This punishment paradigm makes us believe that God removes His love when we don't perform, when we mess up, when we fall short. And this belief isn't just harmful; it's deeply ingrained and often projected onto children as spiritual discipline. This carries into adulthood and impacts the child’s future.
Understanding Adverse Religious Experiences and Trauma
Religious trauma occurs when a person’s religious experience is stressful, degrading, dangerous, abusive, or damaging. It can harm someone's physical, emotional, mental, sexual, or spiritual health. When parents use conditional love and break promises as a form of punishment, it can be a form of spiritual abuse. This kind of abuse uses religious beliefs to control or manipulate someone, creating long-lasting trauma.
Let me share another story. Emma's parents were super involved in church. On the surface, they seemed like the perfect Christian family. But Emma shared in confidence with a close friend that her parents would often threaten to tell the youth pastor about her "bad behavior" if she didn't fall in line. They'd say things like, "What would the church think if they knew you talked back to us? "Emma was terrified of disappointing anyone or being seen as "bad." She put on a perfect front at church, but inside, she was anxious and ashamed all the time. Years later, she shared that struggled to believe that God could love her unconditionally because she never experienced that at home. She also had a hard time trusting people's promises, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
These stories break my heart, but they're all too common. So, what can we do about it?
Breaking the Cycle
First, if you're a parent, I want to encourage you to reflect on how you use discipline. Are you teaching your kids, modeling regulated and balanced behavior or just punishing them? Are you showing them unconditional love, or are you making them earn it? Are you keeping your promises, even when it's hard?
Try this: The next time your child messes up (and they will over and over again because that’s part of being human,) instead of taking away a social event or breaking a promise/commitment, sit down with them. Talk about why their actions were not optimal and share steps of how they can do better in a similar, future situation. Help them make amends with the right people if needed. This teaches personal responsibility without weaponizing their relationships or undermining their trust in your word. Intentional parenting takes work and time, but it’s so worth it! You also become their coach, their life’s journey collaborator instead of an authoritarian, dominate figure they must please.
Remember that you are teaching your children how to behave, interact with others, respond to situations, treat loved ones, manage conflict and more by how you treat them today.
If you're someone who grew up in a home where love felt conditional and promises were easily broken, I want you to know: You are worthy of love, full stop. No conditions, no strings attached. That's how God loves us, and it's how we're meant to love each other. And you deserve to be able to trust in the promises people make to you. Healing from this kind of hurt takes time, but it's possible.
Unconditional love and keeping promises does not mean a lack of consequences for one’s actions, I need to add that qualifying statement. Abuse, intentional misbehavior, being an unsafe person, no, we are not excusing, but we are looking for the parent to lead with curiosity about the intent, best interest of the child, an understanding of trauma and nervous systems and knowing that how they react or respond to a situation can be just as “wrong” as the child’s infraction. Lead and love with vulnerability.
Start by recognizing the pattern. Then, work on building relationships based on trust and unconditional acceptance. It might feel scary at first, but I promise, it's worth it. Remember, friends, love shouldn't be a weapon. It should be a gift – freely given so it can be received without strings attached. And promises, your commitments, should mean something.
Let's work together to break these harmful cycles and create homes and communities where everyone feels truly, unconditionally loved and where words carry weight.
What's your experience with this? Have you seen relationships weaponized or promises broken as punishment in Christian contexts? Let's talk about it. Your story matters, and sharing it might just help someone else feel less alone.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.