Rethink Obedience: Breaking the first time obedience and happy heart rules.
/“Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe. Doing exactly as the Lord commands, doing it happily. Action is the key, do it immediately, joy you will receive. Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe. O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.
We want to live pure, we want to live ‘clean, we want to do our best. Sweetly submitting to authority, leaving to God the rest. Walking in the light, keeping our attitude right, on the narrow way. For if we believe the Word we receive, we always will obey. O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.”
When I was a child, I was taught songs, at home and church, which enforced the belief in “first time obedience.” (Yes, there was even a song that taught me how to spell the word.) Kids like me were told, “Obedience can save your life. Obedience can unlock God’s greatest blessings. Obedience is proof of your faith. To delay is to disobey.” Growing up as fundamental Christian kid, obedience was probably the most taught lesson - the key to making it into adulthood, honoring God and a fool-proof way to never mess up.
Just obey your parents…all of the Bible…God…all authorities including your Sunday School teachers and pastors…your husband (but only after the authority has transferred from your father on your wedding day)…your grandparents (unless their rules aren’t like home)…your school or class teachers (unless they are teaching you evolution or playing rock music or showing you a movie you can’t watch at home, then, you can up for your faith by “standing alone”)…your babysitter (unless she lets you do something you’re not supposed to do)…and…yup, if you’re confused, try being an evangelical, fundamentalist little girl.
As parents, there is no Biblical basis for compelling your children to obey.
Yes, parents are to admonish or teach their children about God and His word, but nowhere is it stated we are to force our children to obey. Very little is actually directed towards parents specifically in Scripture. Twice in the New Testament, fathers are warned.
In fact Proverbs shows us that how your kids “turn out” has more to do with how you handle yourself, not them. Children learn by example. They are imitators, your reflection.
Are you spending more energy focused on making your child do the one thing God said to them, “Children, obey your parents,” then you are doing what God has said to you? (That’s the rest of the Bible.)
“The just [man] walketh in his integrity: his children [are] blessed after him.”
“Fathers, provoke not your children [to anger], lest they be discouraged.”
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
“Strength and honour [are] her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue [is] the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband [also], and he praiseth her.”
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
“Train up a child” does not mean beat and shame them into conformity, “because the Bible tells you to.” Training is work for both the coach and the player. You have to be committed and intentional. You must know your child, understand them and their personality. They have their own positions to play in life. You have to show up and work together. You have to get creative. It’s work for you as the parent coach.
In fact, Jesus Himself said that in order for us to get into Heaven, we have to become like a child. That child you think you’re so much wiser than, so much smarter than, so much more experienced than, so much closer to God than…that’s right, you have to become like them to get into heaven. Jesus is God after all. And God respected children.
“And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Have you ever heard of Pod Whales? You may have recently because hundreds of them washed up on a beach in Australia.
““What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’
“‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.
“Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.
“Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
“The first,” they answered. Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.”
When children are not raised with the choice to respectfully ask why from their parents or leaders, they can become just like Pod Whales, following an unwise leader (or boyfriend, or boss, or pastor or spouse) to their death. This death may apply to moral choices, finances, spiritual health and more. Are you a Pod Whale Leader?
Do you want a child who will lead or a child who follows? The child who pushes boundaries, asks questions, tells you no and shows independence is a child who will become a leader. That same child has the strength and courage to admit when they are wrong, defend the weak, try new things and sacrifice to help others. Do not attempt to break them. They were born with those traits in place, God given, to serve them in their future. Your job is to help educate the child about fine-tuning their own strengths and weaknesses.
One of the problems with demanding first time obedience is that God never asks it of us.
Christian fundamentalist teachings on obedience from people such as the Pearls and their family business, No Greater Joy, have even led to child abuse and even death. “Instant obedience” or “first-time obedience” is a teaching merely for the convenience of the parent. It’s impressive. You also look like a good mom when your kid snaps to it with a, “Yes Momma.”
Let’s look at Jonah. Obviously, there were consequences for his choices, but not because he didn’t obey the first time...without asking God why...or without trying to do it his way first. To quickly summarize the story:
God told Jonah to go to Ninevah. Jonah didn’t want to. Jonah was literally running in the opposite direction and God got his attention...sent a reminder...by allowing him to be swallowed by a massive water creature. Jonah was protected and unharmed, but God’s point was definitely heard. Jonah went to prophesy in Ninevah like he was told.
But, Jonah threw another fit. He didn’t like that God had spared Ninevah and he decided to pout. So here comes a gourd or leafy plant which grew to give him shade. But, then it dies, reminding him yet again, oh yeah, God made the vine grow and now He let it die because I’m not doing what I was told.
God reminded Jonah that He was in control and that there were consequence for his actions.
This is just one example of God not demanding first-time obedience from His children. So why demand it from yours? He does cultivate a relationship with us - a relationship based on love and trust. He does allow consequences to enter our life, but He is always there to protect, walk along-side and assist us.
Happy Heart Hypocrites
“Do everything without complaining and arguing,”
The Bible never tells us to obey with a happy heart. What many base this ideology on is Philippians 2:14. This is an external view only, not an internal. You could be flaming mad and still not complain or argue.
In fact, teaching your kids to respond in this manner can turn them into little hypocrites, “Sitting down on the outside but standing up on the inside!” Compliance isn’t obedience. Smiling with a, “Yes Daddy,” isn’t obedience.
Parents cannot force an internal positive response from their children. By conditioning your children to ignore and stuff their emotions you are setting them up for years of struggle. It is dangerous. And never allowing them to express, appropriately, how they are feeling or what they are thinking is mere manipulation and control. And all for what? So you can get things done? You don’t have the time to deal with attitudes?
Childhood Trauma
Now, I want to add a bit about childhood trauma. If your child has suffered abuse of any kind. If your family is in a time of transition. If you have adopted a child or are a foster family. If you have a very sensitive kiddo or one that is on the spectrum. You must parent on a case by case basis. In general, parenting to the strengths, personality and uniqueness of each child is a wise idea.
Sometimes blatant disobedience is a sign of trauma. Ignoring rules or showing signs of behavior issues can be a signal that unresolved trauma or hidden abuse is at the root.
For children, a traumatic event may be something that, to an adult, seems small and insignificant. But you must not discount their delicate souls and understand this is their reality which must be taken seriously. Demanding first time, unquestioned, happy heart obedience from a wounded child can have a lifelong negative impact.
Also, this leaves little room for the child who honestly didn’t hear the instruction, has special needs or is artistically inclined and easily distracted.
Questions To Ask Yourself
Is my parenting a stumbling block to my child which is keeping them from knowing the unconditional love of Jesus?
Am I provoking my child to anger by demanding an unattainable standard of behavior?
Am I taking on the roll of the Holy Spirit in my child’s life by being their constant guide and conscience?
Am I being a hypocrite by displaying anger towards my child yet requiring emotional control from them?
Is my parenting method or discipline method more important to me than my child’s overall well being?
Am I damaging my child with my harshness because I am trying to give strict discipline?
Do I despise my own children because of their “sinful heart” (he’s such a little sinner!) or burden they are on me?
Your Role As A Parent:
Disciple your child, not demand good behavior.
Coach your child through their growth.
Be a resource for you child.
Control yourself first.
Respect your child - they are made in the image of God Himself.
Model humility and second-chances.
Cultivate trust and love.
Show what boundaries look like by implementing them yourself.
Gently guide through consequences.
Show the unconditional love of Jesus.
I must add, in our house there is one firm exception to the first-time obedience rule. After re-learning what the Bible teaches about obedience, we chose to apply the idea of instant obedience to one thing - only one. That is the word, “Stop.” If Mommy or Daddy ever say, “Stop,” that command must be obeyed immediately. Why? Because this is a life-saving command - a child may not see a car coming, they are too small to understand a power outlet or boiling water can harm them, when traveling or in a large crowd such as in an airport a child may become lost or any other life saving (or protecting) situation in which your family may be. It is understood in our home that the call of, “Stop!” is to save the child from immediate physical harm.
Children who obey instantly and with the happy heart are usually obeying out of fear instead of love. Love should be the motivator. This is where fundamentalist teachings truly miss the mark.
God didn’t hand us a parenting playbook. But He did give us a a guide full of case studies and recommendations for how you can be a thriving, good person…as the parent, who is a role model for your children. Listen to your little ones. What do they need? What helps them succeed? What are they feeling? What is God saying to them? Make conversation in your home a normal and natural thing.
The path to God is so easy, a child can find Him. Don’t make the mistake of complicating the path through life so that your child can’t thrive and in so doing, you detour them from the unconditional love of Jesus.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.
