The Divide Between The Church and Those Hurt by the Church
/According to a 2019 study done by The Barna Group, nearly two-thirds of U.S. 18–29-year-olds who grew up in church have withdrawn from church involvement as an adult after having been active as a child or teen. In a 2019 study, Pew discovered that 76% of Baby Boomers identify as Christian while only 49% of Millennials describe themselves as Christian while four in ten of that 49% consider themselves a religious “none.” What has changed in recent years to bring about a 27% decrease in those identifying as Christian?
There is before us, a great divide. The division is between the church and those who have been hurt by the church. The list of offenses include:
Hypocrisy
Betrayal
Sexual Abuse
Legalism
Coersion
Physical Abuse
Manipulattion
Cult Tendancies
Mistreated or Abused by Leadership
Ignored or Denied Abuse/Victim Shaming
“De-churched” is the new term to describe individuals who used to attend church or who were raised in church but who now, are not. To begin with, the term “de-churched” is offensive to those who have been abused or hurt by church leaders, members or their own families. It’s understandable why people in a religious profession would coin this term, but for those who have lived the experience, it’s just not ok. “De-churched” in a colloquial way of church-speak implies a negative connotation. People choosing to step away from church in order to deconstruct and subsequently rebuild their lives and faith, do not see that action as negative. In fact, it is often necessary and an important step in healing from their pain and trauma. Slapping a derogatory label on the hurting does not aid, it becomes yet another stumbling block in their journey of faith.
Yet, here we are. The church is pushing away the ones they have hurt by calling them names such as these I’ve heard:
De-churched
Fake Christian
Progressive Christian
Rebellious
Those Sinners
Watered-down Christian
Are these names intended to bring reconciliation and healing? Are these names supposed to bring people back to Christ? I call bullying and blame shifting on this one. If you believe that God has gifted us all with a free will, then you must step back and allow people the freedom to exercise that free will.
This means, their faith might not look exactly like yours anymore.
When you minimize someone’s pain, you have already lost the chance to help them. By placing your own superior beliefs and theories above their doubts and questions, you have lost the chance to connect with them. There will be no room for discipleship with love. Telling the deconstructing person that you’ve been there and have all the answers to their questions - that you hold the truth - is robbing the person of their personal journey to “work out their own salvation.” This only echos the voices which have already brought injury to their life. Do not take on the role of the Holy Spirit. Pushing apologetics and repackaged doctrine does not always lead people to God, especially those who were already given this foundation.
Asking someone who has experienced spiritual abuse or religious trauma to trust the church again, to walk inside a church building again, to come to Bible study with you…is like asking an assault victim to have dinner with their assailant. If you’ve ever been in a car accident, do you know the feeling you get when you drive by the scene of the accident or when you have to go to the junk yard to see your demolished vehicle? Your body may tighten, your breath shorten and your heart race. This is a trauma. This is what those hurt by the church experience too.
“Any response to our moment that focuses more on the individual story of lost faith and less on a fairly dramatic shift in our approach to liturgy, catechesis, and repentance will be inadequate to the demands of the day.”
Many of those raised within evangelical religious models are questioning, redefining or leaving their faith. And the best The Gospel Coalition can say in their article, A Common Denominator in De-Conversions is summed up in this quote.
I tried to be objective, but this article is one of the reasons there is a divide between "the church" and the "de-churched."
My take away from The Gospel Coalition’s article, “Don't listen to their trauma stories, throw more religion at them.”
Church, you’re missing the point. People are suffering. People have been abused by those masquerading as God’s ministers. People have been lied to, manipulated and used. Throwing more religion in their faces is not going to help. Instead, sit down with them. Listen. Make changes. Admit where you’ve gotten it wrong.
If you study how Jesus treated people in the Bible, He was not harsh towards sinners or those who were genuinely hurting, searching or asking questions. Inversely, Jesus was very firm and tenacious towards those who claimed faith and touted their religious beliefs. Displaying pride and arrogance, they thought they were right and above sin, just for starters.
Born and raised within fundamentalist Christian circles, I am one of those little ones who was offended and caused to stumble. Evangelical Christian leaders are quick to deflect culpability with a classic move - victim shaming/blaming:
My faith deconstruction is "my fault" because I did not trust in right doctrine.
I must have had more hope in man than in Christ.
My questions about Christianity come from my lack of faith.
I was never a Christian.
My heart is rebellious and full of pride.
I’m just playing the victim or am a cry-baby.
I’m lying.
Kids like me knew nothing but what we had been taught by church leaders, Christian ministries and at home - we are not to blame. We were sheltered from the world and outside influences. We were “set apart” and “un-spotted.” We - the ones choosing to leave the Christian faith, the deconstructing and the faith reconstructing - are the result of pure fundamental evangelicalism.
The waves of individuals deconstructing their faith today, is a direct result of chronic misuse of Scripture. It is not rebellion, it is recovery from Religious Trauma. While I do understand that the church as a whole never intended to harm an entire generation through their teachings and actions, this has happened. Intention or ignorance do not excuse.
I see what is happening today between the church and those who have been hurt by the church no differently from any other relationship. There are two parties. One individual (the deconstructing or “de-churched”) is hurting because of something the other (in the case the church) did to them. The first party is trying desperately to explain and point out how they were hurt, why they were hurt and what could be done about it. But the second party is essentially saying, “Talk to the hand!” by denying and deflecting responsibility for their actions. This aids in compound trauma being experienced by the hurting party.
Church, it's time to take responsibility.
Own up to how you have misrepresented God.
Acknowledge that things have been done within the church - yes, your church - to abuse, hurt and control people.
Listen to the stories of pain, trauma and abuse.
Learn from their experiences.
Make necessary changes within your community and families.
Know This: When you flip responsibility to the injured party, you are only further proving your role in their story.
Do you want the “de-churched,” the hurting those claiming a different form of Christianity than yours to stop shouting #religioustrauma #spiritualabuse #exvangelical or #churchtoo? Then as the body of Christ, admit mistakes have been made, stand up for the innocent, the victimized and and abused. Don’t allow this manipulative, arrogant cycle to continue in your home or church. Is your goal to convert everyone to your version of Christianity and theology? Or is your goal to humbly point to Jesus? As many writers and teachers claim today, this is not Progressive Christianity, this is basic, essential Christianity.
The divide between the church and those hurt by the church will only widen until church leaders and communities address this issue head-on, looking for their own mistakes and seeking reconciliation with the people they have wounded. Historical patterns of abuse and control must be dealt with severely.
I am witnessing as the church, as a whole, is grasping at straws because they have not comprehended the scope or depth of what is taking place in our culture today. People are hurting because people within the church have wounded them. People within the church are still hurting them by how they are responding.
Who God is will never change. His plan for humanity - the story of Jesus - will never change. Evil exists, and it breaks things - like the lives of innocent children who so desperately wanted to please God and be a good Christian but who found themselves beaten, scarred and betrayed by the very people who were supposed to be protecting and guiding them to the Truth.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.