Calming Your Nervous System as a Parent: While Processing Childhood Trauma
/Parenting is such a wild ride—full of ups, downs, and everything in between. You’ve finally nailed the toddler and elementary years when, wham! You wake up one morning and now have a teenager in your home with those years full of their own challenges, developmental stages and complexities.
When you’re also carrying the weight of your own childhood trauma, parenting can often feel like an even bigger challenge. But here’s the thing: your trauma is not your child’s trauma. In fact, showing our kids how we learn, grow, and tackle tough stuff can be one of the best lessons we can give them.
What Are ACEs and Why Do They Matter?
Let’s talk about Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, as a way to set a foundation. ACEs are those tough moments we go through before we hit adulthood—things like abuse, neglect, or growing up in a chaotic home. ACEs also include family violence, neglect, poverty, the impact of racism, and more. These experiences can leave a mark that sticks with us for life, influencing how we parent and interact with our kids. If you’ve had a lot of ACEs, you might find that stress can feel overwhelming at times or you are triggered, and that can seep into your parenting.
Finding Resilience
The good news? We can build resilience! Resilience is all about bouncing back and finding ways to manage stress and other overwhelming feelings. It’s about developing healthy relationships and finding support that can help us manage the effects of those tough experiences. When we work on our resilience, we’re not just helping ourselves; we’re also setting a great example for our kids on how to handle life’s challenges. Resilience is more than coping, it’s learning how to adjust to complex or tough times. This does not mean we will not struggle, hurt or feel overwhelmed, it just means we are able to look back at what helped us last time, know we have what we need to get through this time and have the awareness of what supports we need to manage.
We’ve all heard the expression, “Children are resilient.” And this is true to an extent. As we’ve learned though understanding ACEs and C-PTSD, our childhood traumas, the things we’ve experienced, seen, felt and walked through while feeling alone and powerless make a lasting impact on our lives. Yes, we grew up, kept going and became functioning adults, but those wounds carried with us.
Living with C-PTSD
Now, let’s touch on Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). This can happen when we’ve faced ongoing trauma, and it can really impact how we feel and act in our daily lives. To help clarify, the “C” could also stand for “chronic” trauma. This means it’s something that went on non-stop, frequently or more than once. A car accident, for example, is a one time thing. But an angry mother who rages several times a week for years, that’s chronic.
If you’re dealing with C-PTSD, you might find it hard to connect with your kids or respond to their needs in a calm way. But here’s the silver lining: therapy, a qualified coach and peer support can help us learn to manage those feelings and improve our parenting. As a dear friend once said to me, “Sometimes the things that trigger us big time in parenting are the things we missed out on, needed or hurt us the most when we were kids.”
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking the cycle of trauma isn’t easy, but it’s so important. It starts with being aware of the patterns we don’t want to repeat and making a conscious choice to do things differently. This might mean practicing mindfulness, seeking therapy, or joining parenting groups that focus on emotional intelligence and building strong connections.
This can also mean recognizing harmful family or spiritual patterns. Then, relearning and implementing healthier ways.
Showing Our Kids What Growth Looks Like
One of the most powerful things we can do for our kids is to model growth and change. When we’re honest about our struggles and show them that it’s okay to work through hard things, we teach them resilience. It creates a safe space where they can express their feelings and know that they can grow, too.
Inside fundamentalism and many other religious spaces, demanding perfection of character and behavior is common. We can break that cycle too by being vulnerable, honest and transparent with our children (age appropriate, of course) and show them them the messy beauty of being truly human.
Calming Your Nervous System: A Lifelong Practice
As parents, calming our nervous systems is crucial—not just for our own well-being, but for our kids too. When we’re stressed or triggered, it’s easy to react in ways we might not be proud of later. Learning to regulate our emotions and nervous system helps us respond more thoughtfully and empathetically. But here's the thing: this isn’t a one-and-done deal. Emotional and nervous system regulation is an ongoing journey. It’s not something that a quick online course from a self-proclaimed guru can magically fix forever. It takes consistent practice and ongoing self-awareness. Whether it’s through engaging mindfulness, learning your personal triggers, or taking a moment to step back and regroup, finding what works for you is key. By committing to this process, we not only improve our own resilience but also model healthy coping strategies for our children. They learn from watching us, and seeing us handle stress, big emotions or hard situations in a positive way can be incredibly empowering for them.
Wrapping It Up
Parenting while processing our own childhood trauma is definitely a journey, but it’s one that can lead to incredible growth. By understanding how ACEs and C-PTSD affect us, building our resilience through self-awarenes and actively working to break those negative cycles, we can create a safe, nurturing environment for our children. Our healing not only benefits us but also sets a powerful example for our kids, showing them that facing challenges is a part of life and something we can face with courage and curiosity.
May we foster resilience and emotional well-being for ourselves and for the next generation. Hugs to all the cycle breaker parents out there! I’m so proud of you.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.