In this thought-provoking article, we delve into the challenging terrain of communicating deconstruction, faith transition, and religious trauma with family. This is not meant to be a definitive piece, but rather a discussion of some of the obstacles, difficulties, and considerations you may face.

As we navigate these uncharted paths, we may be seen as daring to challenge conventions or defying the status quo. Buckle up as we embark on a journey that demands courage and an unwavering commitment to our own soul, conscience and overall health.

Understanding

Deconstruction, the audacious act of dissecting traditional or accepted beliefs, is push back against dogma while working out one’s own faith and sacred truths. Meanwhile, religious trauma and spiritual abuse have long lurked in the shadows of traditional institutions, leaving scars on those who dared to defy or question the oppressive norms. By understanding these experiences, root causes and their long-lasting impact, we lay the groundwork for crucial conversations with our families while also infusing knowledge, understanding and experience into our toolbox.

Educate yourself. Having the necessary language to express your heart, explain your position or present your story are a great way set the foundation that this conversation, this time of you altering your beliefs isn’t some fad or trend you’re jumping on, it’s real and it’s important to you.

Members of your family might not see or grasp their role in your past or present situation. It might be denial, their stiff-necked approach to their own core beliefs and refusal to acknowledge, lack of education, or a blind spot. Hopefully, they are willing to learn and explore what you are communicating.

Fearing Honesty

If you make the choice to share your new or changing beliefs with your family, it will likely be accompanied by great fear. Most religious fundamentalist families and many in strong religious homes, do not handle children changing their views or distancing themselves from the traditional family beliefs in a loving, or understanding manner. This can cause great harm in several ways.

The child (usually an adult child at this point) will not feel safe or free to share their new and changing beliefs honestly for fear of rejection, labeling, anger, shunning or coercive tactics to bring them back into the fold.
The family will coast along maintaining the status quo and ignoring the truths about their children or each other, never creating a space that is truly safe, mutually vulnerable, or transparent.
When there is not a welcoming or understanding home environment which fosters respect of varied religious beliefs, children may have no recourse but to put space between themselves and the family.

When any member of a family cannot safely share their faith transitions, this environment does not cultivate honesty, transparency, or health for everyone. This is not to say there will always be agreement, but acknowledging the spiritual autonomy of each member of the family is vital.

Shackling Expectations

Conversations about faith transition and religious trauma inevitably challenge the expectations that have bound us to predefined roles and responsibilities within our families. We are not mere recipients of inherited beliefs; we are free thinkers able to claim our spiritual autonomy. There is no human or Biblical interpretation, denomination or religious structure that supersedes, or comes between our direct line to God. Your religious beliefs are between you and God, you owe no one an explanation for why you do or do not believe something. While families tend to want to know why or why not, as an adult you are not accountable to them for what you believe. Indeed, some of what you do or no not believe now may be a direct result of what you experienced in your childhood or adolescent years, but what you believe now, that’s on you.

In some religious families, when you step outside of what was expected for your gender, job description, belief boundaries and lifestyle or parenting choices they cannot manage the “new you.” They have not been equipped to see outside of their dogma and in fact, fervently adhere to a perspective that excludes outside thought. Side comments, books you should read, invitations to attend conferences or workshops and unsolicited advice are offered up. Boundaries are often not respected or even understood.

Let me clarify by saying there are certain situations which stating what and why you believe or do not believe a certain thing may be important to the health of a relationship. For example, in a marriage sharing one’s beliefs freely is part of having open discussions, making life decisions and having no walls between you. While exact alignment is not necessary to have a successful marriage, knowing what your partner believes and why, then respecting or learning to navigate your differences can strength your relationship.

It’s important to practice discernment when deciding which members of the family to share with, what the purpose or goal of sharing your changing beliefs might be and setting a plan with intention to find support through this time.

Your own expectations towards your family may need to be managed as you move forward in creating a life based around your new or emerging beliefs.

Embracing Discomfort

As you communicate your deconstruction, faith transition or religious trauma, expect adversity to knock at your door. This probably won’t be comfortable. You are not only challenging the norms or deeply held beliefs of your individual family or faith community, but also those of accepted traditional faith systems, theologies, and structures.

In this time, you may hear words like:

Rebellious
Heretic
Apostate
Never Were a Christian
Difficult
Trouble Maker
Used by Satan

…and this phase may genuinely stink.

When choosing to share or publicly live your changing beliefs and deconstructed ideologies, you may face estrangement due to abuse or lack of respecting boundaries. Devout religious families are not always accustomed to embracing loved ones who think differently and in fact, may not be equipped with the ability to handle this situation.

Daring conversations may stir conflict or pain, but we must not shy away from what these conversations bring. Embracing the tension likely feels unnatural. It’s ok if you’re afraid. It’s ok if you make mistakes and just sit in the awkwardness. It’s also ok to choose protecting yourself from abuse, judgement or manipulation.

Resistance might rear its head, but you can hold your ground with conviction and embrace your evolving spirituality.

Let this season be a catalyst for growth and transformation, rather than a barrier to authenticity. In discomfort, we can find courage and breakthroughs. Use this time to connect with an online support group, reach out to a coach or therapist, practice self-care, pick up a couple books on relevant topics or journal your daily thoughts and feelings for enhanced self-awareness.

Redefining Family Bonds

As we navigate these tumultuous waters, we may find ourselves questioning or redefining what family truly means - either by necessity or as another step in our journey towards wholeness and truth.

We might ponder themes such as:

When there has been abuse, what is our responsibility?
When family refuses to accept or respect how our beliefs have changed, do we need to force ourselves to stay active in their lives?
What boundaries need to be set in place for us to maintain a healthy relationship?
Can family become an ecosystem where diverse religious beliefs coexist and where love transcends the limitations of dogma?
What even makes a family?
What expectations are being put on our shoulders and why? Where is that expectation rooted?
How will we explain this situation to our children? How does this impact their lives?
Is what we believe as or more important than our family? Should we just keep our mouth shut and go with the flow?

Crafting a New Narrative

What was has now changed. The structures that previously defined your family, the structure you grew up in that likely now still sets the standard, is being challenged. What is true will remain. What needs shaking up, is gonna get shaken.

Beyond the clashes and uncertainties, we have the power and opportunity to move forward and craft a new narrative together. However, not every family is able to do this. Not every family has the necessary practices, perspective,s and willingness to place the person above the principle, the relationship over being right. But Jesus himself models this for us every time forgiveness or another chance is offered - the person is more valuable than the principled belief.

To the best of your ability, engage in open-minded discussions, seeking to understand rather than impose. Empower each family member to articulate what is true and real to them, creating a tapestry of beliefs that intertwine, being knit together with love and respect.

Boundaries may be part of setting new, healthy patterns within your family or your own life.

Is this going to be an easy path? In all honesty, no. You might be labeled rebellious or a heretic. You might be tolerated or ignored. You might be loved or accepted.

It’s likely that not every member of your family will support you through this time. Not every family member will understand or see what you see. Their own beliefs may hinder them from being able to see your perspective, they may choose to dig in and adhere to their historical way of viewing people, the child/parent relationship and Christianity.

In this season, all you can control is yourself and your own responses. Understand your why. And then live out your new beliefs, be the Christian, be the person you believe reflects the values you hold.

Living speaks louder than words.

This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.

Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.

Blog

Navigating Family Reactions to Your Deconstruction, Faith Transition or Religious Trauma Recovery