Growing Up Fundy: An analysis of being raised in Christian fundamentalism.
/If you grew up fundy, you might have experienced a similar story:
You are not sure what you did, but suddenly your mother is screaming at you. You feel your heart pounding in your chest. It is beating so hard that your ears carry out the vibration too. What comes next is never up to you. Nothing you say or do can change the outcome. Will you be forced to endure being hit with a belt? Will you be left alone to cry and wonder why you are such a bad kid? Will you be subjected to more than an hour of verbal abuse? Will you have to wait until Dad gets home for your punishment and then listen as a story is told about you? Any of those things are usual in your home, but there is no way to guess which will happen now. You are helpless.
Next you see your mother storming about the house slamming things around and talking incoherently. Occasionally she comes back to you, you have stood there frozen, and gives you another verbal lashing. Finally, she is had all she can take and retreats to her bedroom, slamming the door firmly behind.
Mom never apologizes. Mom never acknowledges her behavior. Your emotions are never validated or talked about. You are always wrong, always.
Over time, as you age, your behavior begins to change. You do or say whatever you must to keep the peace. Keeping mom happy is a must. Diffusing a situation becomes an art form. At night, you cry yourself to sleep wanting to be loved and protected.
The older you become; people remark about how mature you are for your age. You can handle responsibility well. Adults come to you for advice.
If any of this story was part of your own childhood, first, can I give you a virtual hug? You have been emotionally and psychologically abused. Possibly, by a narcissistic parent. For those of us growing up in fundamentalist circles or within high demand groups, parenting tactics such as these were all too common.
Fundamentalism
Evangelical fundamentalism was founded to counter-act the women’s rights movements, especially women working outside the home, and modern theory in a post-World War I world. The movement was at it’s peak during the 1950-1980’s. Sub-denominations were even formed during this time, claiming further truth and belief in Biblical fundamentals – such as the denomination of my childhood, Independent Fundamental Baptist.
In the beginning fundamentalism and the evangelical movement were separate. Billy Graham was a huge component of evangelicalism although considered too liberal to be a fundamentalist and even thought to not be preaching a pure Gospel. Over time, the two have blended into evangelical fundamentalism, barely recognizable as independent theories, and regularly used interchangeably.
Fundamentalist teachings literally feed narcissistic tendencies and foster abuse. Examples of this are: Legalistic rule following, unwavering submission to authority, male dominance being a “Biblical” right, external behavior modification vs. heart change and no autonomy of women or children. Individuals with painful or traumatic pasts are drawn into evangelical fundamentalism because there are set rules and boundaries, spelled out how to’s and expectations. There is also the promise of a positive outcome, for yourself and your family, when you live a good Christian life.
It is important to note that fundamentalism does not only apply to one denomination or church. Indeed, Christian fundamentalism can be found within many faiths including Baptist, Presbyterian, Nondenominational, Catholic, Jehovah’s Witness, Mennonite, Mormon or Assemblies of God.
There are common threads that run through Christian fundamental parenting. Far too many with an assumed “Biblical” basis. A key element is the focus on the external - appearance, behavior, what people think and following all the rules. Strict adherence to method (or a religious belief) is more important than relationship. Alarmingly, little research has been done showing the mental and emotional effects had on children raised in high control groups or cultish environments. Yes, even those considered a church or ministry.
As someone brought up within this world, I have recognized a few trends. After surviving over twenty years of spiritual abuse culminating in religious trauma and a complete faith deconstruction, I have listened, read, watched and analyzed the world of my beginning and feel certain my observations are valid. Here are some characteristic I have discovered are depictive of those raised in Christian fundamentalism.
Physical and Psychological Impact
SHAME
Shame looks like the puppy who just snuck and toddler’s snack and is being scolded. His tail is between his legs, he crouches down, looking up at you with those big eyes which slowly backing away to his bed. It’s a whole-body response. While mental health and scientific communities realized that shame is not a healthy means of behavior modification, in fact it can be a tool to manipulate and control, fundamentalist Christians are still using it today.
Examples of shame within Christian circles:
· You are a female; your body must be covered. Men will look at your body and think bad thoughts, you are responsible for that.
AS AN ADULT:
You feel guilty for choosing self-care. You never feel good enough. You might find yourself saying, “I’m sorry,” all the time when something isn’t even your fault. You think there’s something wrong with you that needs to be fixed.
Your view of your own body might be poor and you feel ashamed for looking nice. Friend, you were conditioned to experience Imposter Syndrome.
· As a teen you begin to have sexual feelings. Sexual desire is sinful unless it is directed towards your spouse. You are sinning if you feel sexual desire and you are not married.
· You disobeyed your father, you have broken God’s heart.
Shame was part of America’s cultural for a season. It was a means of controlling behavior. If you’re into classic TV like we are at my house, you might have seen the show, “Father Knows Best.” In many episodes, you hear mother say to her son, “Bud, I’m ashamed of you.”
I remember pausing an episode and looking my child in the eyes, “Mommy has never been and never will be ashamed of you. As you grow up, I may not always agree with or like your choices, but I love you no matter what. You do not bring shame to me.”
While a bit over their ability to understand, I still wanted to point to be made. Shame has no place in my home. Although those learned tendencies do rear their ugly head from time to time, I choose to call it out by name.
MANIPULATION
As An Adult:
You may find it difficult to trust people. Your gut says everyone has an ulterior motive. You might even see manipulative tendencies in yourself which disgust you, but it’s a learned behavior and you try so hard.
Quoting Scripture passages either encouraging or discouraging a certain behavior and then following that up with, “Don’t you want to make God happy and do what’s right?” This is sheer manipulation for behavior modification. What tender hearted child would answer no? The Bible is used as a form of accepted mental and emotional manipulation too, within fundamentalist circles.
Free will is taught, but never allowed from the inside.
Narcissists are drawn to evangelical fundamentalism like a bug to a porch light. Their manipulative behaviors within the home and church leadership help sculpt teachings and individual cultures.
FEAR
Fear is a great motivator. Adults can differentiate between healthy, realistic fear (the fire will burn you, don’t touch it) and life-crippling, controlling fear (I will be raped if I show too much skin.) So much of decision making really does come down to this: What are you more afraid or less afraid of? This basis of humanity is readily used by fundamentalist teachings and programs.
Working people up into a frenzy over the terrors of Hell and literally frightening them into Heaven is a classic fundamentalist move with Chic Tracts and other pamphlets depicting gruesome hellish scenes.
As An Adult:
Fear may become your go-to emotion. Anxiety, stress disorders, depression – these are some of the consequences carried by a child raised in a fear-based culture and they riddle adults raised within fundamentalism.
You may easily be triggered with environmental or cultural situations such as sheltering in place during the COVID19 pandemic, heated political discussions, being put on the spot to make a quick decision, stepping back into a religious space or being in the presence of a dominate personality.
When you become a parent, making choices on how to raise your child can bring up past fears, even those you thought were dealt with and part of your past. You will be forced to face your fears often doing so while your children watch.
For children, that fear may be of a consequence such as:
· A spanking or being physically disciplined.
· Loss of a privilege.
· Being denied a meal or other punishment.
· Being embarrassed privately or publicly.
· Breaking God’s heart because of their behavior or sin.
· Making a mistake.
· Of the parent themselves.
Either the parent or fear itself becomes the child’s conscience. Love should eliminate fear, but instead, children grow up so afraid of the wrath of God or the consequences they will be forced to experience that love, more often than not, is never felt or experienced.
INABILITY TO MAKE DECISIONS
As An Adult:
No matter what choice you make, you second guess yourself. You might have a track record of poor decisions in your adult years. If you do make good decisions, you always feel like someone else must be the one who should get the credit.
Choosing simple things such as, what movie you’ll watch with your husband, where you and a friend will eat lunch are nearly impossible. Since you were never allowed to make decisions as a child, you often don’t know what you like or want and defer to others, thinking that will make them happy.
Within many religious high demand, fundamentalist groups or cults, children are not allowed to decide anything for themselves. This carries well into adulthood. Because well, “children obey your parents…” and “honor they father and mother…” go hand in hand, you will find many adults still only making decisions after consulting their parents and receiving their blessing. Children must adhere to both spoken and understood behavior guidelines.
Women are frequently not allowed to make the final decision with family or personal matters. They are to be subject, to submit, to their father or husband. For women, the authority of the father does not transfer until she is married. If their father or husband has passed away or is not active in their life, a pastor or church leader often is a substitute.
Personal expression or exploring new thought and ideas is not allowed. You are expected to fit into an exacting mold.
“Finding God’s will for your life” is a predominant theme coupled with you must live a Holy, set-apart life so you do not miss His perfect plan. Anything you desire may be tainted by your evil, sin filled heart.
NEVER QUESTION AUTHORITY
As An Adult:
You are quick to recognize frauds or those masquerading as compassionate leaders. You might want to be in charge or run your own business. As a parent, you want to build a relationship of love and trust with your children allowing them to see your true self, and not be pretentious.
Authorities are the people in your life in charge of you – your parents, pastor, teachers, law enforcement or your boss. Questioning authority is sign of rebellion. Questioning what you are being taught is evidence of your lack of faith in God and is disobedience.
Truth bomb: The only kind of authority God recognizes is servanthood authority. Manipulation, behavior control or fear-based shaming is not authority, it is bullying.
ANGER
As An Adult:
You are afraid that you will become the angry parent either because you already feel that tendency or because it is showing up in random places in your own life, when before you were calm and collected. Suppressed anger can surprise you. Unresolved trauma can rear it’s head in the form of uncharacteristic anger.
Conflict is a thing you prefer to never experience. You don’t have how to handle it or it is triggering.
Often you were the victim of your parent’s uncontrolled anger. Screaming – around your or in your face. Slamming doors. Things being thrown across the room. Frequent verbal fights. Little things ignited that anger.
The adults in your environment frequently became quite heated around politics or theology. Family Christmases were ruined because your parents couldn’t get along with the rest of the family. Even within your church there was a regular butting of heads that lead to people leaving or causing a stir.
SEXUALITY
As An Adult:
You might be one of many Purity Culture kids who on your wedding day were sexually uneducated or even ignorant of the basic mechanics of the act itself. In fact, you probably never said the word “sex” out loud.
Sex with your partner may be physically or emotionally painful. Sexual abuse from the past haunts your life. Repressed sexual feelings might lead you to experiment with your sexuality, or at least wonder about it. Having a healthy sexual relationship is a daily challenge. You find yourself having to teach yourself about human sexuality by watching TV shows, reading all the books or scouring the internet.
Sexuality is considered a sin. Even just a sexual feeling is a sin let alone a thought or actions. Women’s clothing that is too tight, short or revealing is considered sexual. A boy with any thoughts about how lovely a girl looks has just committed lust, which is sin.
The Purity Culture wave swept across conservative churches and denominations starting in the 1990’s.
Parents with this thinking were trying to fix their sin filled, broken children to keep them from making the same mistakes they did., maybe an unplanned teenage pregnancy, a series of abusive boyfriends or promiscuity in college.
One of this dreadful aspects of this culture is rampant sexual abuse. One element is that because children have been conditioned to never ask or talk about such things and women are dutifully subservient to men, it is literally a petri dish festering with sexual abuse and deviancy.
IDENTITY
This is a topic frequently discussed in church, but the problem is, it’s your identity in Christ that’s talked about, not actually you. You never learn to see yourself as an individual.
As An Adult:
You may have been asked you whole life, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and you never had an answer. You don’t have personal needs, because you always sacrifice to serve others or please them. Your likes and dislikes don’t really matter because you’re a team player, always putting others before yourself.
When faced with faith deconstruction you find yourself querying, “Who am I? What do I believe? What do I want out of life? Do I even matter?”
In fact a popular acronym for prayer is J.O.Y. – Jesus Others You. No definite explanation about what “you” means ever follows the JOY teaching. The closest would be that Jesus is the one who fills us - our devotions and prayer time, what you do to put God first, will be what fills you. It was like if You want JOY you do the J and the O part. A bit skewed, ya think?
Other words which frequent such teachings are - die to self, take up your cross daily, self-sacrifice, be a servant or give until it hurts. Again, all “Christian” ideas but taken shamefully out of context and stretched to fit any mold the teacher, leader or authority wants at the time.
Topics like self-care, self-awareness, self-love, serving from a place of rest - those are all self-centered, selfish new age or worldly themes. You hear the word self so that means “bad.”
The Christian Fundamentalist Results
We are living the results. The Christian fundamentalist theory did not work. In fact, it may have done more damage than good.
Children growing up in a church are a product of the culture and teachings of that church. Children are innocent and moldable, vulnerable and trusting. There is an entire generation of people who have backed away from church attendance because when they entered adulthood, they began to see that the church they grew up in got it horribly wrong, but yet they are so baffled as to what the truth actually is, they have to get completely away in order to start fresh with the God of the Bible.
As the old saying goes, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. This is exactly what Christian evangelical fundamentalism has done. It paved the way for the children of fundamentalism to walk away from Christianity.
Instead of focusing on fixing their broken, sin-filled kids, character building exercises and demanding external behavior compliance, parents should have been addressing their own personal issues first. This is evidenced by why fundy kids are deciding to walk away.
Hypocrisy, abuse, betrayal and hate are some of the main reasons people choose to leave their fundamental, evangelical Christian faith. And from my experience, they are well grounded.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.