Does "Honor thy Father and thy Mother" Apply to Abuse?
/As a coach who interacts with individuals recovering from strict, fundamentalist Christian or religious backgrounds, this is a concern I often hear. “But what about honoring my parents? Is that still something I owe them after what they did?”
This belief is often based on the Biblical Ten Commandments, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” The story of how these commandments came to be is found in the Old Testament - they were given to Moses and written in stone by the hand of God Himself. This same idea is also found in the New Testament in Ephesians 6:1-4.
What is Honor?
Before we proceed any further, let us define the term honor which according to Merriam-Webster.com may be:
Good name or public esteem : REPUTATION - a showing of usually merited respect
PRIVILEGE - had the honor of joining the captain for dinner
One whose worth brings respect or fame : CREDIT - an honor to the profession, an evidence or symbol of distinction: such as an exalted title or rank
CHASTITY, PURITY - fought fiercely for her honor and her life
A keen sense of ethical conduct : INTEGRITY - a man of honor
Now that we have a baseline for the word’s definition, we can take a more zoomed in look at some of the highlighted words which accompanied the meaning of the word honor: Reputation, privilege, purity, integrity. Using your critical thinking skills, how do those words combine with the word abuse?
Are you finding it hard to answer that question?
Here are some possible conclusions:
REPUTATION - A parent’s reputation can be ruined by allegations of abuse. A parent’s reputation can be destroyed because they are an abuser. A parent’s reputation can be maintained by covering up abuse.
PRIVILEGE - Being a parent is a privilege, not a right. When you abuse, you relinquish that privilege. Your abuse may never be brought to light to the public, your community or the courts, but you lose the privilege of receiving honor from the child(ren) you have abused.
PURITY - Abuse is the removal or absence of purity. There is nothing pure about abuse. If you have abused someone, you have behaved the opposite of purity.
INTEGRITY - If you are an abuser and insist on covering up that abuse to maintain your status, authority or position, lifestyle or reputation, this is the opposite of integrity. It is hypocrisy at best.
If you have been accused of abuse, and you are not the abuser, integrity would cause you to show concern and empathy for the abused child/person, seek out the truth or find justice for the abused.
Circling back to the question at hand, if there has been abuse by a parent (or grandparent) does this mean that I must still honor them? The simple answer to that question is this, and I do not say it lightly:
If there has been abuse, then your parent(s) has relinquished any claim to your honor.
“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
If you are taking the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament as literal and valid in your life and culture today, you must apply the same reasoning to another passage found in Matthew 18:6 in the New Testament. (In fact, the same sentiment is found in Mark 9:42 and Luke 17:2.)
If this verse was applied as literally as most hold the Ten Commandments, then there were be a lot of children with dead parents and this wouldn’t even be a necessary conversation.
Grace does not mean you save people from the consequences of their actions.
Honor does not mean you cover up someone’s transgressions.
If I knew you were a compulsive liar, but yet I went around ignoring, covering up and fixing things for you, this is being an enabler. And in fact, it is not loving, kind or honoring towards you. The most loving, kind and honoring thing would be for me to address the issue of your lying and stop enabling you to lie. This same logic applies to abuse.
“Honor thy father and mother” has long enabled those inside of religious communities to cover up or ignore abuse. Instead of focusing on what is owed the abuser, our attention should first be placed on the needs of the victim. And if you are reading this article, that victim may be you yourself or someone you love.
Abuse is Evil
For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. - John 3:20
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. - Romans 12:9
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! - Isaiah 5:20
The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. - Proverbs 8:13
I have heard the arguments which use Scriptures like, “Do good to those who despitefully use you…” and so forth, to shame and manipulate people into maintaining a relationship with their parent abuser.
I have heard of people blaming individuals by claiming they adhere to a “me first” or “self-centered” mindset and this is why they will not show (that person’s version of) honor to an abusive parent.
I have heard good people say, “Well, we have all sinned. Just forgive them.”
I have heard people say, “It is just an allegation. They never went to jail. Plus, it’s not our family and not our situation.”
All of these viewpoints are wrong. They are ignoring one vital thing - abuse is evil and repeatedly, the Bible condemns evil. The overarching character of God hates evil and always has strong ways to deal with and not tolerate evil.
“When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake… Another disciple said to him, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’ But Jesus told him, ‘Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead’.”
Yet another perspective is found in Matthew 8. “…Let the dead bury their own dead,” seems like such a strange term to us today. While scholars do vary on the statement’s exact meaning, most agree that the disciple’s father was not yet dead and a common thought I discovered was this:
The disciple’s father was spiritually dead and Jesus instructed him that other people would take care of his father but that disciple was to stay true to his religious calling.
If this is the case, then in a situation of spiritual death, Jesus Himself placed a purpose over what we have traditionally been taught is honor to a parent.
This leads us to question, can one who abuses be spiritually alive? The purpose, that evil should not be condoned, swept under a rug or ignored, would logically then come before honor.
But what if I feel I still should show honor in some way?
While you may choose to display honor, even to an abusive parent, in ways which include CREDIT, “This is my father (mother) who raised me.” You might also choose to show INTEGRITY by not destroying their REPUTATION.
If you choose to show some form of honor to an abusive parent, here is what does not need to accompany that honor:
A relationship with the abusive parent.
Shielding the abusive parent from the consequences of their actions.
Ignoring the appropriate legal steps.
Never disclosing the abuse to family, friends or a mental health professional.
Allowing the abusive parent access to your children.
Saving the abusive parent from financial ruin.
Running to the abusive parent on their deathbed.
Helping maintain the abusive parent’s reputation.
Giving an explanation to inquisitive friends or family.
Feeling shame or guilt because of your decisions.
Let me qualify the list above with this statement:
You are free to make these choices for yourself based on your situation. You alone know what is best for you and what you can handle or need. You alone must answer to your conscience. You are under no duty or obligation. These decisions are between you and God and you need not answer to anyone else’s opinion.
Listen to your gut. Some people believe your gut feeling is the Holy Spirit while others think your gut is intuition. Either way, listen to it. And because I know this subject will be mentioned, forgiveness is a separate issue. Adhering to needful boundaries, which may include points from this list, does not imply that you have not forgiven or have bitterness and unresolved anger.
Recognizing generational trauma and patterns of unhealthy choices and then putting in the work to heal those places in your own life and family, that is honoring to your parents in the long term.
In the church, the word honor is much more loosely explained and it nearly always includes unconditional respect and obedience from the child which carries into adulthood. Rarely is abuse ever discussed leaving the abused child, young or grown, feeling helpless and bound to a teaching which continues to add harm to their lives. Teaching a more God-reflective, victim supporting view of honor thy father and mother might well be a step forward to abusers realizing that there are consequences for their actions and the church will no longer be their hiding place.
If you know your spouse is abusing someone and you do nothing, you are culpable.
If you are in a place of church leadership and you have been brought into a situation where there is abuse of a minor, domestic abuse or other abuse and you choose to let church discipline deal with things instead of reporting to the proper authorities, you too, are culpable.
Sometimes the word abuse is used without a clear understanding of the word’s meaning. Here are a set of graphics which give a basic explanation.
If you or someone you love has been abused by your parents, please know this: You are not at fault. Responsibility lies solely with the abuser. They are accountable for their own actions. No matter what you have been told, the victim is not at fault.
When abuse of any kind has been present, please seek professional help with a therapist or counselor. You do not have to walk this journey to wholeness and healing alone. Also, joining an in person or online community which offers emotional support would be a beneficial resource.
This is a hard place to be. Parents are supposed to protect and love us. But when they abuse us or people we love, it can get confusing. The pain is felt to the innermost parts of our being. There are countless others who are walking this same path, “But what about honoring my parents? Is that still something I owe them after what they did?”
Often, it is a secret sorrow. You privately suffer - because you’ve chosen a path of honor while knowing that others will never be privy to the whole truth - yet you are subject to their silent judging, assumptions or lies they have been led to believe. Know that you are not alone, this is a hefty weight.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.