Raising Teens After Purity Culture: 8 Tips for Parents
/If you spent your teen years steeped in purity culture, and now find yourself parenting a teenager while charting a different course, you're not alone. The fear, uncertainty, and those moments when you feel completely frozen – they're all normal reactions. I've heard from so many parents just like you, grappling with these exact challenges. In fact, as a coach, it's one of the most frequent concerns I hear.
One night my husband was DJing for the family. We were rotating through many different genres - pop, classic rock, classic country, R&B, big band, you name it! - and a Ricky Martin song came on. As a mom does, I began telling my daughter, “Man, when Ricky Martin came on the scene, he was really controversial. The way he danced, his songs…he really upset some people". To which my husband chimed in, “Uhm, I’m pretty sure that was just the world you grew up in, Babe. When Ricky Martin was singing, people loved him. He wasn’t controversial. It’s just that everything was controversial in your fundamentalist world.”
His statement made me think. First, he was right. And second, what else did I apply this reasoning to in my life…still? One of the big ones was having a teenager and relationships. My kiddo’s friends were dating, talking about boys and gender identity, texting each other, and sharing about what kind of wedding they wanted some day and I saw that I was freaking out a bit. Purity culture had made dating, sexuality, your first kiss, holding hands, emotional intimacy, sex and sexual feelings all insanely controversial. Just like Ricky Martin.
As parents who grew up in purity culture, we often struggle to separate our past experiences from healthy advice for our teens. Here are some tips to help navigate this challenging terrain:
Acknowledge your own journey: Recognize how purity culture has affected you and work through any lingering shame or trauma.
Focus on respect and consent: Teach your teens about respecting themselves and others, emphasizing the importance of mutual consent in relationships.
Provide accurate information: Arm your children with comprehensive, age-appropriate sexual education to empower them to make informed decisions.
Avoid fear tactics and shame: Instead of using guilt or fear to discourage sexual activity, focus on promoting healthy relationships and self-respect.
Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for your teens to discuss their questions and concerns about sex and relationships without judgment.
Reframe purity: Rather than focusing on virginity, emphasize the importance of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being in relationships.
Address potential consequences: Discuss the risks of sexual activity (STIs, pregnancy, emotional impact) without resorting to scare tactics.
Promote a healthy view of sexuality: Help your teens understand that sexuality is a normal part of human experience, not something inherently shameful.
Together we are breaking the purity culture damage cycle and it’s scary. We don’t want to hurt our kids or set them down a path that will cause heartache. At the same time, we don’t want our trauma to become their trauma. We also recognize the stringent rules, overwhelming guidelines and obsession with sexual purity was not healthy or balanced but uhm…what’s right for our family?
Some suggestions and questions to ponder:
Make your unconditional acceptance of your children abundantly clear before they make a decision you don’t agree with or yes, a big mistake. You want to create a safe, supportive environment that will encourage your kids to tell you things they know might be upsetting.
Does your teen know and believe that your family is safe, loves unconditionally and will work through hard things together? Have they experienced a different dynamic from your family in the past?
Prepare yourself now for if your child comes home and tells you they have been sexually active or they are pregnant. Prepare now for how you will respond with love, grace and kindness. We’ve all seen how shaming, rejection and anger inflict harm and life-long wounds. Choosing the person as more valuable than the principle is so important.
Can you see your teen’s humanity and autonomy or just some rule, guideline or preference they’ve broken?
Have appropriate conversations with your teens about their view of sexual ethics, romance and relationships. It’s ok to bring up how their views or your family’s view of these things differ from how you grew up and how proud you are of their maturity, ability to think things through ahead of time, openness to have honest conversations and knowledge of what healthy relationship dynamics looks like.
Are you seen as a know-it-all to your kids or someone who models resilience, rupture/repair and realness? Are you a mystery to your teen or have you been authentic, vulnerable and honest about your failures, successes and struggles?
When we raise our children to think critically, ask questions of authority, understand their worth, express themselves freely, live with autonomy, and have a working knowledge of mental health - we are raising firecrackers who will light up the life-sky. But this also means we cannot control the outcome of their lives and decisions. Which, purity culture and authoritarian parenting could never do anyway.
Remember, the goal is to raise emotionally healthy individuals who can make informed, autonomous decisions about their relationships and sexuality. Just as important as physical connection in a relationship, emotional, spiritual and mental connection cannot be overlooked. Romantic relationships aren’t just about sex…although purity culture made us think they were.
So here’s to “Livin’ la Vida Loca,” and raising strong, capable, secure teenagers. If that’s crazy, I’m in.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.