I was a Christian Fundamentalist Mom
/When my parenting journey began, I was a Christian fundamentalist parent. I didn’t know any better, it was all I had ever known.
I was young and had waited my whole (brief) life to be a mom. Motherhood had been put on a pedestal and was the highest calling a woman could fulfill. It was what all Godly women do, they are fruitful and multiply being blessed with a quiver full of children who will arise and call them blessed. But becoming a mother is also what toppled me into questioning my faith and the religious formula and methods in which I, myself, had been raised.
With the waves of individuals deconstructing their faith, we tend to focus on the person experiencing the belief deconstruction but forget that behind that person are the parents and systems who raised them.
Here’s a little secret: Parents can deconstruct their beliefs too. I know, because I did.
Raising children is a lifetime commitment. For years you never sleep through the night, go to the bathroom uninterrupted, have a perfectly tidy house or stop worrying about your baby. And as they grow, you can only hope and pray you have equipped them with the skills necessary to think critically, function as a normal adult and maintain their mental and emotional health, and relationships and jobs and…
It’s easy to find ourselves doing these things as a parent:
Losing your own identity.
Listening to all the voices and become overwhelmed.
Finding something that seems to work and never change.
Trying all the new things and frustrating yourself and family.
Being overwhelmed.
Having so much shame because of your own past that you will do whatever it takes to insure your kids don’t go down the same path.
Giving up.
Fighting your kids or spouse over behavior issues.
Waking up one morning with no strength to face the day’s challenges.
Because we want what’s best for our kids, have traumas and wounds of own and honestly, feel overwhelmed and underprepared as a parent, when you hear someone making promises and flowery speeches about how their program or Biblical approach can save your family from heartache and produce well-adjusted, God-fearing kids - you are tempted to jump on board no questions asked! Finally - help and direction has arrived. It’s even more convincing when a family you meet has applied all the principles, methods, convictions and standards and seem idyllic - picture postcard perfect.
Parenting inside a Christian fundamentalist system usually comes with a formula of some sort based on what they have been told is Biblical parenting by a fundamentalist pastor, organization or ministry leader. Books like Babywise and The Strong Willed Child are on most every shelf and are in support of breaking your child’s will as soon as possible, but that’s masked as obedience, submission and conforming to what is expected by the authority. There are seminars, classes, more books and lots of handed down wisdom.
Spanking is traditionally the preferred method of discipline. Obedience to parents is preeminent. Children have no voice or autonomy, often even after they are of legal age or married, they must still defer to the parent. Sex is rarely discussed, generally no education given on the subject and the very word - spelled out but not spoken - is seen as taboo, except in the occasional gender exclusive settings such as a women’s only session at a marriage conference.
Now, there are exceptions to the rule. Everyone comes from various backgrounds and interprets things differently. In fact, each congregation, family and organization have their own rules, formulas and systems which vary somewhat from place to place, but all are rooted in the same core beliefs. A common thread I have discovered is the control held by fundamentalist communities and families. It is best explained by Steven Hassan’s BITE Model of Authoritarian Control. Ideas or teachings are labeled liberal, unbiblical, humanistic or wrong if they do not come from approved sources or contradict a teaching from an approved source. Outside influences, even family, can be deemed unsafe, a stumbling block or sinful.
I am grateful that I began to see my way out of fundamentalist parenting even before my child could talk, but I have battled learned tendencies and the ramifications of my own upbringing still haunt me. The transitions I experienced have at times nearly drowned me, but oh how wonderful to see the fruit of identifying and beginning to heal from generational family and religious patterns.
Fundamentalism in Parenting
If you raised a child inside of Christian fundamentalism, it may have included these elements:
Authoritarian Control – The Umbrella of Authority teaching may have been part of your curriculum with the belief that a parent is ultimate authority over a child, even into their adult years. You curated and cultivated resources for your family from approved sources from your church, organization and community. You were extremely careful to make sure all outside influences - movies, books, friends, social events, family, experiences - were in line with your beliefs and opinions.
Obedience to Parents was Key - First-time obedience, obeying without question or talking back, obedience to parents was the litmus test to see if you were doing your job right in raising your children.
Fear – Sometimes even intimidation was used, “Even if I didn’t see you, Jesus is always watching,” and your children obeyed or complied out of fear of the consequences they would receive. You were afraid your children would stray from faith, you were afraid of what people would think about your parenting, you were afraid you weren’t living a holy, set-apart enough life. You had a child that was very fearful and you couldn’t figure out why.
Shame – Phrases like, “Shame on you,” or “You should be ashamed of yourself,” were used. Your children were held to a very high standard and when they fell short, they may have been shamed in from of their family or community. You yourself felt shame that others will see you in pants, (or whatever you did at home but never in public because it was not accepted) shame that your kids aren’t behaving, shame carried by your children straying, shame that you were not a submissive wife, shame that you were not a leader of your home, etc. The shame you felt was transferred to your kids.
Lack of Emotional Education - Teaching your children to understand and manage their emotions and feelings was considered liberal or worldly. They were instead taught to just “stop it,” or focus on developing Godly character which would then allow Jesus to manage their emotions by the child giving their rights and feelings to God. Emotions were not to be trusted, only God’s word can be trusted.
Mental Health Not Supported - You might have been living in a domestic abuse situation, but did not get out because of the beliefs you held about marriage and divorce or male headship. You might have battled depression or anxiety but were told to give it to God, thus actively practicing spiritual bypassing. Mental health was never discussed with your children and in fact, counseling outside of a pastor, was seen as worldly and unnecessary.
Parental Perfection - Since you followed the formulas and “Biblical” teachings, you were sure to be a perfect parent and raise perfect kids. When that didn’t happen, you still had to put on a smile and pretend. You pretended your marriage was solid, you were happy, your kids were angels all the time and you had no struggles - that all the formulas, standards and teachings were producing amazing results! You may also have believed you were God’s voice to your child, God would tell you and then you would convey the message to them. Being vulnerable and honest about your flaws or past was discouraged - you were to be seen as a perfect example of Godliness to your children.
Abuse - This is a big one. Parents inside of fundamentalism are conditioned to believe you must protect the name of God, the church and those in leadership. This carries into not reporting to the authorities or properly handling abuse situations with their own children or members of their community, but instead dealing with things “internally” by shipping the person to a new church, sending them to an approved Biblical counseling program or simply having a stern talk with the accused. It also enables abusers to continue harming their wives, children, congregants and yes, even their husbands and grandchildren. This mindset has damaged countless individuals and caused compound trauma as victims are shamed, not believed and even further victimized by those who are in positions of leadership or authority. Spiritual abuse is rampant in fundamentalist circles as is sexual, physical and psychological abuse - but you probably never discussed those things.
A clarifying statement: When there has been abuse, each person must be held fully accountable and responsible for their actions and choices. Abuse should never be tolerated.
Generational Trauma
Unresolved trauma and family patterns of behavior combined with the list above creates the perfect environment for abuse or a toxic homelife. This, coupled with a pattern I have seen with the parents who welcomed fundamentalistic belief and joined programs such as IBLP are the reason so many have guzzled the Kool-Aid:
They have a painful or difficult past often filled with choices they regret, dysfunctional families and abuse.
The world inside Christian fundamentalism does not encourage mental health and emotional education or support. Fundamentalism was born as a reaction to scientific discoveries starting with the Marie Curie era and spreading through Darwin's evolution. Christian leaders were afraid that the science was pulling people away from the fundamentals of Christian faith. Many fundamental, evangelical Christians today still see science (doctors, medication, counselors) as the enemy and a lack of faith in God. This is one of the elements adding to a culture of spiritual bypassing.
While I believe there are many reasons why this is - including that foundational fear and thought carried over from the original fundamentalists, lack of education, a cult-control mentality, etc. - in reality science can be another way we learn about all the complexities which accompany Divinity and nature. We need not fear science.
Recovering Fundamentalist Parenting
If you made mistakes…if you were that Christian, fundamentalist parent but you are learning and changing, now what? Here are some key take-aways for moving forward:
Transparency
Be open. Be truthful. Your kids already know how they grew up, you won’t surprise them.
Apologize
Say, “I’m sorry.” Apologize for how your choices affected your children’s lives. Apologize for how your actions hurt your children. Apologize for what you did wrong. Apologize for not protecting them. Apologize for exposing them to a toxic system.
“I’m sorry. I believed things that were damaging and hurtful. I now understand this and know how what I believed, how I behaved and what I taught hurt you. My eyes have been opened and I have purposed to listen, re-learn and grow.”
Keep Open Lines of Communication
Don’t shut your kids out. They may be deconstruction or healing too. During the healing process, it can get ugly. But healing and restoration is the goal for everyone. However, you must also respect the boundaries your children put in place regarding communicating with them.
Encourage Curiosity and Honest Discussion
Talk about hard things, ask questions, listen. Don’t shut your kids down when they bring up something that hurt or confused them. Learn how it made them feel or what they assumed. Learn what they are feeling, thinking and believing now and why.
Redeeming Power of Change
Your kids might not believe it at first, but as your beliefs shift which then carry over into new actions, behaviors and patterns, they will begin to see that you have changed. You can be that example to them. Show them how truth can change a person.
New Patterns
Find a counselor or coach who can help you nurture healthy relationships by identifying and correcting patterns of conflict resolution, conversation, bully parenting, generational responses, patriarchal or authoritarian thinking, or other belief and behavioral patterns that are revealed.
Love Your Kids
You children may be living lives that you do not agree with - love them. They might be angry at you for how they were raised - love them. Now, if they are harming themselves or someone else this will need to be addressed, but has nothing to do with letting them know they are loved.
Deconstructing While Parenting
Deconstructing while parenting is not for the faint of heart. But if you are still raising kids and find yourself experiencing a shift of thoughts and beliefs, this can be a beautiful thing in your family.
What will hurt our kids more than us changing our beliefs is hypocrisy, shame, a lack of empathy or grace and the attitude that you are God in their life. In Jesus we see how God removed Himself from a pedestal and became like us.
Creating a culture of openness, discussion, curiosity and investigation is healthy. Telling your children things like, "Mommy was hurt by this teaching and I have learned that it's not really what God thinks," or "Mommy is still learning too," or "I used to believe this but I've changed my mind and here's why," doesn't confuse them, it helps them understand real life and not feel like there is some level of perfection they must attain to be acceptable to God.
So far, I have seen nothing but good from raising a child while also deconstructing beliefs - you get to learn and grow together. It's scary when how you were raised was so absolute. You worry about messing up your kids, believing something wrong or generally making a mess out of the whole situation.
Fear will knock everyday. Fear is the foundation of fundamentalism. Don't answer the door.
I feel this idea has been forgotten in the recovery from Christian fundamentalism, spiritual abuse and the harmful elements of American evangelicalism:
The people in our families and in churches are not the enemy. The structures, belief frameworks and idolization of ideologies - that is the enemy.
In our attempt to heal from our individual traumas and deeply rooted wounds, let us not adopt the "us vs. them" mentality, but instead work to build new structures grounded in truth, freedom and health.
Hurting people can hurt people, so first, seek healing for yourself and your family. Put in the work - the hard, painstaking work of healing your wounded mind, body and soul while identifying and breaking harmful family and religious generational patterns. Once healing has begun - the symptoms treated and managed - you can initiate rebuilding structures within yourself, family and community that are safe and free from toxicity but full of hope, strength and love.
While it is true that people have hurt us - us being those raised inside of Christian fundamentalism who are not questioning what we were told was such as sure reality. People have controlled, shamed and misdirected us. People have abused us. People have covered up or enabled unspeakable harm. It is also true that those same people are products of a system...a bad system. A system that encourages (intentionally and indirectly) these behaviors, protects those in authority and vilifies the victims. What they believe, how they have been molded into thinking and how they behave is all a result of a flawed system. They have experienced undue influence and are perhaps, unwittingly, pervading that culture.
The general whole of pastors, parents, people and parishioners are not the root problem. It is the SYSTEM.
Let us heal ourselves from spiritual abuse and religious trauma so we can collectively create safe systems and spaces for our own future and the future of our children.
Ex-fundy Motherhood
I was the product of a sick system, a system which tried to suffocate and squeeze the life out of me, but now I am free. Post-fundamentalism motherhood has been hard, but full of so much freedom finding and peace. I have second-guessed myself a million times, learned that my gut is most often right and felt alone. Enough years have past that I am beginning to see the rewards of all the emotional, spiritual and mental work.
Once, I was asked how my own journey can serve my daughter and why does it matter? For a season, I doubted the benefit. I felt selfish as I processed personal hurts. Spiritual abuse is still a new term to the world, but I carry the invisible scars it has inflicted. The walk towards truth and healing is never short and mine has encompassed my daughter’s life. She has walked alongside me on this path.
I heal so my daughter will not have to fight this same generational trauma. I stand up so those coming behind me will not have to fight against an abusive or toxic faith from within the church. I work to help others heal the wounds given to them by those claiming faith or God. I speak to educate and encourage others to consider if what they believe is harmful. I write to communicate the truth and tell my story.
These things are all examples to my daughter of how to be a strong woman. Not a woman who has all the answers or has life figured out, but a woman not willing to let the pain or abuses inflicted by others chart her course, faith or beliefs. I want my daughter to know that it’s ok to change your mind when you learn new facts. I want her to value supporting others and those who are hurting. I want her to use her amazing born-with mind, gifts and personal strengths without hindrance because of gender, abuse, mind control or lack of support. Frequently, we have meaningful discussions about God and mental health, learning to respect others’ perspectives and also how to be aware when a leader or idea is not sound.
Throughout romantic literature I have often discovered three classic female types; those content to quietly let things happen as they will, those who manipulate to get what they want and those who boldly push forward with truth and in so doing often alter their family, life and culture for good.
I want to be the culture changing mom that is actively standing for freedom and truth while helping create a safer, healthier world for my child. That’s the kind of mom I am striving to be now that I am free from the clutches of Christian fundamentalism.
