Parenting: It can be different. You know better.
/I am someone who is living a life differently than how they were raised, someone who has fought hard to find truth and battled through the agony of deconstruction. Because of this, little things can become big things when you least expect it. Triggers from past traumas surface easily when raising your own children, and it can be overwhelming.
As you may know, I am a homeschool mom. This often feels like a love/hate situation because you see, I was homeschooled. Triggers, known pitfalls, lack of actual schooling, strained family relationships – I want to avoid those things. I have seen far too much of that
There, however, is much good that comes from home educating your children too – unlimited family adventures, an individualized education, learning new things together, freedom to explore personal learning styles and interests, studying about then traveling the world - I am embracing those amazing things.
Talking about emotions and discussing what to do when you feel angry or overwhelmed, understanding that there is no bad emotion in and of itself and allowing the freedom to express those emotions/feeling in an appropriate manner has been part of my parenting.
Recently, I chose a class for my child to attend online. It was called Social and Emotional Learning. Within the first three minutes of class starting, I found myself standing in the hallway with tears running down my face. (Yes, I was eavesdropping.) Words like, “emotional intelligence, “mental health,” “self-care” and “respecting others” had already been used. Theses are things I was never directly taught and in fact, some of the class syllabus included topics of which I had been taught the exact opposite.
Perhaps your fear of spiritually or emotionally hurting your own family is getting in the way. Or maybe, because you don't have all the answers to all the questions anymore, you feel there's no way you can properly guide a child.
If you were raised with toxic relationships, in an abusive home or in a cult-ish environment, if church or religion were used as a means of behavior manipulation – I know you are hurting. I know you are scared you are going to hurt your own child. I know you want freedom and total health for your little ones.
What your child needs from you:
Your unconditional love. - Tell them every day, “I love you.” Let them know your love doesn’t change based on their behavior or performance.
Your active presence in their life. - Don’t bury yourself in your phone or schedule life so tightly there can be no precious moments.
Safety. - Every child has the right to grow up in a physically and emotionally safe environment.
Support. - Growing up is hard, they need help navigating school, friendships, activities, hormone changes and life’s twists and turns.
Freedom of thought. - Allow your child the freedom to ask questions, (respectfully) have opinions differing from your own and explore the why's behind how they are being raised.
An honest and open parent. - Your child doesn't need to you be perfect or know all the things. They do, however, need you to be transparent and honest with them.
“Do the best you can until you know better. But when you know better, do better.”
Listen to the wise words of Maya Angelo, “Do the best you can until you know better. But when you know better, do better.” There is hope for those parenting through their own spiritual abuse and religious trauma. Why? Because of your own lived experience, you know better.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.