You Don't Have to Embody It All
/When what you used to believe or who you used to be collides head on with the reality of your present it’s like a slap in the face. The dissonance can be as loud or surprising inside your mind and body as a cymbal crashing during a symphony performance.
Because of the spiritual, emotional and mental harm survived in my childhood at the hands of a toxic belief system, what’s best for me personally is an individual thing. Healing my own soul and not continuing the harmful patterns, being a cycle breaker and brave speaker of truth is my part. There will be areas in my life that scream “traditional wife/woman” while others parts shout, “Feminist!”
This is not a contradiction. It’s me. It’s part of my journey towards the true person I was designed to be, embracing my own faith (instead of a copy-paste, regurgitated version) and doing my darnedest to allow freedom, truth and vulnerability to enter into my decision making, relationships and internal meanderings of thought.
Here’s an example:
You have moved from the keeper at home, quiver-full, patriarchal system of your growing up years and now embrace a more egalitarian view of marriage, have found freedom and power in being female, work outside the home and your children attend public school. And yet, you still find comfort in knowing your husband is taking care of you. You make family dinners a priority and feel special when your guy holds the door for you. The thought of stepping into the roll of primary provider for your family makes you have anxiety.
Sometimes, physically living out all the freedoms you now know are available to you just don’t fit with where you are today. That’s ok. Your nervous system needs more than a few months (or even years) to regulate, feel safe and find a new sense of normal. Recovery from a cult, abusive relationship or rewiring your brain from an unhealthy belief structure doesn’t happen over night.
When you jump on socials and see all the people:
talking about their completed reconstruction after deconstruction,
their happy or thriving lives outside of a manipulative religious system,
or how wonderfully they are managing all the things in this totally modern or progressive way after evangelicalism
…you can find yourself comparing, feeling guilty, trying harder or giving up! For those raised inside a controlling, toxic or coercive religious environment, woven into the fibers of our identity are deeply rooted opinions about life, habits and comfort zones.
If this was you, listen to me carefully: You do not have to embody every little thing you now believe.
That’s overwhelming and may be impractical or “too much” for you today. Our beliefs are not who we are, but they do inform how we behave. You are aware now, but have wounds and traumas which must heal. Each role may not be possible for you to take on now or ever - and that’s ok. You are raising children without the same spiritual hurts. You are influencing people in your world through more balanced beliefs and perspectives. You are putting in the hard work of recognition, repair and regeneration.
Remember the Biblical story of the seed and the sower? Some prepare the field, some sow the seed, some water and some harvest. This idea is relevant to wherever your faith, deconstruction or healing process find you today.
Stop beating yourself up for not embodying every little part of who you now understand you are free to be. Your story isn’t over yet. Your journey on earth is still being walked. Gracefully accept who you are today because of who you were then.
Challenge:
Take a moment to be acknowledge the person you were.
Then, remember how far you’ve come - the wounds faced, the healing found.
Thank that “you” from the past for fighting so hard to find freedom and truth.
Now, joyfully accept who you are today.
Confirm with yourself that the journey of life isn’t over yet and give yourself grace to continue growing.
