Over ten years ago, my husband and I met with a couple for marriage counseling. We were struggling, really struggling. About halfway through our time together, the husband looked me squarely in the eyes and said, “You’re a legalist. Once a legalist, always a legalist.” This offended me greatly as I had been working so hard to overcome my fundamentalist roots and we were here to talk mostly about my own husband’s failings anyway.
Read MoreWhen you’re married or in a committed relationship, one of the hardest parts about experiencing faith deconstruction or a Spiritual Identity Disruption TM, is the toll it takes on that valuable relationship. Realizing you had been handed a toxic, controlling or abusive version of faith is hard enough, but what comes next as you process everything can retraumatize, devastate and potentially shatter and already fractured sense of self.
Read MoreWhen I was six or seven years old, my family joined Bill Gothard’s program - the Institute in Basic Life Principles. I remember a hotel room and strangers babysitting me when we visited Oklahoma City for my parents to attend a training. I believe part of the reason my parents were attracted to the program was the support and community provided exclusively to homeschoolers.
Read MoreChristian singer/songwriter, Matthew West, release a new song this week called, “Modest is Hottest.” In the music video, Mr. West is attempting to educate his two daughters as to why they should dress modestly. My social media has been full of praise for this “hilarious song with such a great message for girls today,” so I had to check it out for myself.
I didn’t laugh once. Instead, I cringed.
Read MoreMany of the core revelations discovered because of DNA testing can be applied to the reasons why people are choosing to walk away from traditional Christian structures and faith altogether—abuse, hypocrisy, lies, and trauma.
Could it be that science and faith have collided in the quest for truth?
Read MoreI woke up this morning to more news about the SBC and the saga which continues to unfold. I told my husband, “Well, the SBC is splitting, " he promptly gave me a high-five, then said, “I can guess, but why?” I told him simply, “The primary reasons are spiritual abuse, race and patriarchy,” to which he replied, “I thought so. Good.”
Read MoreWhen my parenting journey began, I was a Christian fundamentalist parent. I didn’t know any better, it was all I had ever known.
I was young and had waited my whole (brief) life to be a mom. Motherhood had been put on a pedestal and was the highest calling a woman could fulfill. It was what all Godly women do, they are fruitful and multiply being blessed with a quiver full of children who will arise and call them blessed. But becoming a mother is also what toppled me into questioning my faith and the religious formula and methods in which I, myself, had been raised.
With the waves of individuals deconstructing their faith, we tend to focus on the person experiencing the belief deconstruction but forget that behind that person are the parents and systems who raised them.
Here’s a little secret: Parents can deconstruct their beliefs too. I know, because I did.
Read MoreStudying the behavior and words of Jesus in the Bible has fascinated scholars for centuries. Books have been written, sermons have been preached, classes taught, and even leadership models developed all based on the example of Jesus.
It is obvious by how Jesus interacts with women that His view of femininity was radically different than the religious and cultural leaders of the day. This may also hold true even in the year 2020. Certainly, Jesus was making bold statements.
The purpose of this article is to review how Jesus treated women in the Bible — and that is remarkable!
Read MoreTrauma dumping is a term used to describe the unconscious act of people who have been through a traumatic event or experience sharing their trauma with others without considering the emotional wellbeing of the other person or receiving their consent. It is a form of emotional dumping in which a person unconsciously unloads their emotions, pain, and suffering onto others without regard for their feelings.
Read MoreAs a parent, we daily coach our children through handling their array of emotions. From toddler tantrums to young adult hormones, encouraging our kids to identify, then giving them the appropriate tools to effectively manage their emotions is a vital step to them becoming successful, relational humans.
Emotional intelligence is now understood to be important to one’s overall health and education, as described by John Gottman in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,
In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.
Read MoreGrowing up in Christian fundamentalism, apologetics was huge, especially in the homeschool circles. Drenched in this form of thinking, I have attended lengthy seminars, read books, listened to countless sermons and presentations, practiced my own arguments and yes, even had to take a worldview test with my fiancé before we were given a blessing to wed.
Merriam-Webster supplied the definitions for the words above and reading them with fresh eyes was insightful. The three words which stood out to me were argumentative, authority and defense. Apologetics can be synonymous with the term, “Defending your faith.”
Read MoreAs a coach who interacts with individuals recovering from strict, fundamentalist Christian or religious backgrounds, this is a concern I often hear. “But what about honoring my parents? Is that still something I owe them after what they did?”
This belief is often based on the Biblical Ten Commandments, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” The story of how these commandments came to be is found in the Old Testament. They were given to Moses and written in stone by the hand of God himself. This same idea is also found in the New Testament in Ephesians 6:1-4.
Read MoreSpiritual Identity Disruption is when what you believed or were taught about faith or spirituality collide with an opposing lived experience - which may include abuse, trauma and hypocrisy.
This polarization cannot be reconciled using the existing foundation thus causing a disruption of identity and crisis of belief.
Read MoreFaith has often been described as a journey. And what I’ve noticed is that Grace is the depot where lots of people hop off the train and then choose to stay there. But I would like to present to you an alternative trip route.
As I write, I am remembering one of those amazing old train stations I’ve visited in Europe - Paris or London maybe. Beautiful antique tiles line the walls. Movie and show posters are scattered everywhere. People scurry like ants up and down stairs, crossing over to change train lines or stopping briefly in the shop for a coffee. Each person has an exact route they must follow to arrive at their chosen destination.
Read MorePeople have been buzzing about the new Netflix show called Bridgerton. This show took me off guard. I was not expecting to discover the theme of Purity Culture and sex woven into an Austen-esk plot. And yet, there it was, naked and staring unabashedly at me.
Read MoreIf you are a trauma or abuse survivor social media can prove difficult sometimes. Images or memes can be triggering as can conversations or interactions with others.
Recently, I had a bit of a kerfuffle with someone on social media. It was not my intention, I basically never engage in virtual debates. It is easy for your tone and intent to get lost in cyber translation. And yet, I found myself in a flurry that happened so quickly it left my head spinning and my pulse elevated.
Read MoreGrowing up as fundamental Christian kid, obedience was probably the most taught lesson - the key to making it into adulthood, honoring God and a food-proof way to never mess up.
Just obey your parents…all of the Bible…God…all authorities including your Sunday School teachers and pastors…your husband (but only after the authority has transferred from your father on your wedding day)…your grandparents (unless their rules aren’t like home)…your school or class teachers (unless they are teaching you evolution or playing rock music or showing you a movie you can’t watch at home, then, you can up for your faith by “standing alone”)…your babysitter (unless she lets you do something you’re not supposed to do)…and…yup, if you’re confused, try being an evangelical, fundamentalist little girl.
Read MoreThe divide between the church and “de-churched” will only widen until church leaders and communities address this issue head-on, looking for their own mistakes and seeking reconciliation with the people they have wounded. The waves of individuals deconstructing their faith today, is a direct result of chronic misuse of Scripture. It is not rebellion, it is recovery from Religious Trauma.
Read MoreEvangelical fundamentalism was founded to counter-act the women’s rights movements, especially women working outside the home, and modern theory in a post-World War I world. The movement was at it’s peak during the 1950-1980’s. Sub-denominations were even formed during this time, claiming further truth and belief in Biblical fundamentals – such as the denomination of my childhood, Independent Fundamental Baptist.
Read MoreCancel Culture is not new. Christians have been actively practicing it for decades. I am speaking from a lifetime of experience from within the fundamental evangelical Christian realm.
The closest thing I can find in Scripture is from Matthew 5:29, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.”
Read MorePlease Note: This is an educational website to support healing and growth. It is not a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment, please contact your nearest mental health agency, and if you are in crisis, contact your nearest emergency services.
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