The Personal Impact of Pastor-Abuse Stories
When stories like this hit the media, it’s personal. It’s not just some random pastor, at some random church, in some random town. It’s people I know, or my friend know. It’s churches I’ve been to, or know people who attended that church. It’s towns I’ve lived in, or people I know live in.
Stories of pastors abusing people, power, position and resources aren’t just stories that are flying in the great abyss of the media universe. The lives impacted are real, personal and crossover with lots of us.
Four Responses of Unhealed Trauma
The more I interact with people who have been hurt the more I see two things: One, there are people who are saying all the right “recovery things,” they may take courses, follow trauma influencers, read some books but their actions don’t add up. They’re not putting in the hard work to heal. And two, I see the people who truly want to heal and change the patterns around them. They never stop trying, they make mistakes but learn and their life sphere begins to be filled with peace along with healthier patterns and people
This brings me to the post I am writing today. I want to take a deeper dive into the world of trauma responses – those ways our minds and bodies react to past hurts, shaping our thoughts and actions long after the dust settles. Sometimes we think we’ve dealt with something, but realize patterns are still in place that may be signals something isn’t healed, healthy or happy.
The Church's Co-opting of Survivor Experience
The church is often seen as a sanctuary, a place of healing and support for those who seek spiritual guidance and community. However, a pattern and uncomfortable truth I have observed is that not only has the church become a place where great harm is done or covered up, the church is sometimes guilty of co-opting survivor language and experiences - the very survivors they created or silenced then again use or exploit.
“They listed everyone but me!” - Third Culture Kids and the High-Demand Religion or Cult Connection
Did you grow up in a high-demand religion or a cult? Have you ever felt like an outsider to life and couldn’t put into words exactly why? If so, you are not alone and perhaps, what I explain in this article will resonate with you.
One day as I was having a conversation about my childhood (and subsequent religious trauma recovery journey) with a dear friend of mine, Dr. Paulette Bethel, she suddenly said, “Rebekah, you’re a TCK!” This expression was new to me so I asked her to explain.
Calming Your Nervous System as a Parent: While Processing Childhood Trauma
Parenting is such a wild ride—full of ups, downs, and everything in between. You’ve finally nailed the toddler and elementary years when, wham! You wake up one morning and now have a teenager in your home with those years full of their own challenges, developmental stages and complexities.
When you’re also carrying the weight of your own childhood trauma, parenting can often feel like an even bigger challenge. But here’s the thing: your trauma is not your child’s trauma. In fact, showing our kids how we learn, grow, and tackle tough stuff can be one of the best lessons we can give them.
Navigating Family Reactions to Your Deconstruction, Faith Transition or Religious Trauma Recovery
In this thought-provoking article, we delve into the challenging terrain of communicating deconstruction, faith transition, and religious trauma with family. This is not meant to be a definitive piece, but rather a discussion of some of the obstacles, difficulties, and considerations you may face.
As we navigate these uncharted paths, we may be seen as daring to challenge conventions (heretic) or defying the status quo (rebellious.) Buckle up as we embark on a journey that demands courage and an unwavering commitment to our own soul, conscience and overall health.
Embracing Healing: The Journey of a Church Leader Recovering from Religious Trauma
As I sit down to share my thoughts and experiences, I am reminded of the transformative power of vulnerability and the courage it takes to confront our deepest wounds. My journey recovering from religious trauma has been filled with twists and turns, leading me to the profound realization that healing is a sacred and ongoing process. In this blog post, I invite you to join me on this transformative path, as we explore what it truly means to be a church or religious leader on the journey of recovering from religious trauma.
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take of Episode 4.
Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon with an old high school friend. It was only supposed to be a quick bite (tacos!) and a coffee but that turned into five hours of talking, catching up, swapping takes on Shiny Happy People and rehashing old memories.
For those of us who have left behind a cult, high demand group or unhealthy system, it’s an unfortunate yet common thing I have noticed that we have few life-long friends or we only reconnect well into adulthood. (Maybe this is just a fundy phenomenon, I’ll have to dive into this thought a bit more.) Without a doubt it’s often that family has even rejected you or you have had to distance yourself due to abuse or lack of respecting boundaries.
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 3.
Watching Shiny Happy People is observing the first half of my life in what feels like an out of body experience. Internal agony and struggle, mind shifts and identity disruption, loss of people I love, fear and confusion, new experiences and blazing ahead alone, these things have defined my years since becoming aware I had been raised in a cult. It’s what it took for me to leave, learn a new way and forge a life outside the lines of authoritarian control and spiritual abuse.
The Duggar family has long been who I reference when I tell people that I grew up differently from mainstream culture. Dang, even differently from most evangelical culture. “Have you seen the show 19 Kids and Counting? Yes? Well, that’s my background.” It was extreme fundamentalism; we were the radicals.
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 2.
I wasn’t the only IBLP survivor who had a migraine yesterday. Yes, my migraine is toned way down now, thanks for asking. I took a walk, snagged a couple short cat-naps, did more gentle yoga movements and mental reminders that I am safe now which all seemed to help.
Shiny Happy People is collectively pacing so many of us through our painful childhoods which were riddled with spiritual abuse, physical and psychological abuse and religious trauma. Please, do not allow yourself to be re-traumatized. Turn off the TV, decide you will not finish the series, or wait until you can talk to a therapist. There is great strength in knowing your limitations and choosing to protect your emotional and mental health. It’s not a weakness.
Shiny Happy People - A survivor's hot take on Episode 1.
You may be aware that a documentary called Shiny Happy People dropped last night on Amazon Prime which discusses the lives of the Duggar family and the cult organization they are members of, IBLP, which was founded by Bill Gothard.
As a survivor of this cult, I have been mindful to pay attention to my own feelings, emotions and thoughts about this documentary. With this awareness, I made the choice to view the series one episode at a time, to allow myself to process any triggers or negative feelings that should arise.
10 Questions to Ask When Seeking a Therapist Who Is Religious Trauma Informed
Religious trauma is a sensitive topic that requires a therapist who is knowledgeable and experienced in addressing the unique challenges that come with it. If you're seeking therapy to overcome religious trauma, it's crucial to ask the right questions to ensure that the therapist is well-equipped to help you. Here are ten insightful questions to ask a therapist to assess their religious trauma competency.
The 5 Steps to Deconstructing Your Faith
It’s overwhelming I know. You’ve recognized something is off with how you were raised or with the system in which your faith is based. You are scared. You aren’t sure who to trust. You’re Googling for answers and desperate for help.
Suddenly, in your searching, you see an article entitled, “The 5 Steps to Deconstructing Your Faith,” and you feel like, “Oh good, someone will tell me how to do this!” Well, yes and no.
You Don't Have to Embody It All
If this was you, listen to me closely: You do not have to embody every little thing you now believe. That’s overwhelming and may be impractical or “too much” for you today. Our beliefs are not who we are, but they do inform how we behave. You are aware now, but have wounds and traumas which must heal. Each role may not be possible for you to take on now or ever - and that’s ok.