Does "Honor thy Father and thy Mother" Apply to Abuse?

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Does "Honor thy Father and thy Mother" Apply to Abuse?

As a coach who interacts with individuals recovering from strict, fundamentalist Christian or religious backgrounds, this is a concern I often hear. “But what about honoring my parents? Is that still something I owe them after what they did?”

This belief is often based on the Biblical Ten Commandments, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” The story of how these commandments came to be is found in the Old Testament. They were given to Moses and written in stone by the hand of God himself. This same idea is also found in the New Testament in Ephesians 6:1-4.

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Spiritual Identity Disruption

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Spiritual Identity Disruption

Spiritual Identity Disruption is when what you believed or were taught about faith or spirituality collide with an opposing lived experience - which may include abuse, trauma and hypocrisy.

This polarization cannot be reconciled using the existing foundation thus causing a disruption of identity and crisis of belief.

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Purity Culture, Sex and Bridgerton

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Purity Culture, Sex and Bridgerton

People have been buzzing about the new Netflix show called Bridgerton. This show took me off guard. I was not expecting to discover the theme of Purity Culture and sex woven into an Austen-esk plot. And yet, there it was, naked and staring unabashedly at me.

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16 Lessons Social Media Taught Me About Trauma Response

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16 Lessons Social Media Taught Me About Trauma Response

If you are a trauma or abuse survivor social media can prove difficult sometimes. Images or memes can be triggering as can conversations or interactions with others.

Recently, I had a bit of a kerfuffle with someone on social media. It was not my intention, I basically never engage in virtual debates. It is easy for your tone and intent to get lost in cyber translation. And yet, I found myself in a flurry that happened so quickly it left my head spinning and my pulse elevated.

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Rethink Obedience: Breaking the first time obedience and happy heart rules.

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Rethink Obedience: Breaking the first time obedience and happy heart rules.

Growing up as fundamental Christian kid, obedience was probably the most taught lesson - the key to making it into adulthood, honoring God and a food-proof way to never mess up.

Just obey your parents…all of the Bible…God…all authorities including your Sunday School teachers and pastors…your husband (but only after the authority has transferred from your father on your wedding day)…your grandparents (unless their rules aren’t like home)…your school or class teachers (unless they are teaching you evolution or playing rock music or showing you a movie you can’t watch at home, then, you can up for your faith by “standing alone”)…your babysitter (unless she lets you do something you’re not supposed to do)…and…yup, if you’re confused, try being an evangelical, fundamentalist little girl.

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Growing Up Fundy: An analysis of being raised in Christian fundamentalism.

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Growing Up Fundy: An analysis of being raised in Christian fundamentalism.

Evangelical fundamentalism was founded to counter-act the women’s rights movements, especially women working outside the home, and modern theory in a post-World War I world. The movement was at it’s peak during the 1950-1980’s. Sub-denominations were even formed during this time, claiming further truth and belief in Biblical fundamentals – such as the denomination of my childhood, Independent Fundamental Baptist.

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Canceling Grandma: The Christian Cancel Culture

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Canceling Grandma: The Christian Cancel Culture

Cancel Culture is not new. Christians have been actively practicing it for decades. I am speaking from a lifetime of experience from within the fundamental evangelical Christian realm.

The closest thing I can find in Scripture is from Matthew 5:29, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.”

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Parenting: It can be different. You know better.

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Parenting: It can be different. You know better.

As someone who is living a life differently than how they were raised, someone who has fought hard to find truth and battled through the agony of deconstruction – little things can become big things when you least expect it.

As you may know, I am a homeschool mom. This often feels like a love/hate situation because you see, I was homeschooled. Triggers, known pitfalls, lack of actual schooling, strained family relationships – I want to avoid those things. I have seen far too much of that

There, however, is much good that comes from home educating your children too – unlimited family adventures, an individualized education, learning new things together, freedom to explore personal learning styles and interests, studying about then traveling the world - I am embracing those amazing things.

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Being A Mom Matters

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Being A Mom Matters

As a mother myself, I feel a heaviness around what is taking place in our society. The division between races, cultures, families, friends, churches, businesses, law enforcement, nations – the division is just that, it’s divisive. The future is being formed right now. This is my child’s world – the world where my grandbabies will be raised. This is our place in history – what happens now matters.

As someone who was raised in a Christian legalistic, fundamentalist environment, starting controversial conversations doesn’t come naturally.

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Predisposed to Being Judgmental

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Predisposed to Being Judgmental

We had just moved to a much smaller town. Like big city to a handful of stop lights. Everything had changed - the political climate, culture of the people, There were only a couple local places to eat, no quaint coffee shops and one grocery store. I’d seen men riding horses through town and the police station was a metal building with an elaborate lamp post outside.

It was my first trip to the post office - just a tiny little building in the heart of town. Right before getting out of my car, a beat up 1980’s sports car ripped into the parking lot. The car was a mixture of several bright colors - mostly replacement panels. Music was blaring. And a buddy was laughing in the front seat.

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3 Stages of Deconstruction

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3 Stages of Deconstruction

Deconstruction is a personalized piecing apart of one’s belief system. This may include political and religious views, gender roles, race and identity.

There is no set amount of time – each person deconstructs at their own pace. Often, a painful or dramatic event can initiate the deconstruction process.

A complete deconstruction can involve what feels to be a total erasing of what a person thought was normal – how you interact with people, raise your kids, behave, treat your spouse, believe about your faith, view the world at large and yes, even basic daily practices such as taking a class, getting dressed, eating meals, going to the store or social gatherings.

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Netflix's Unorthodox - Thoughts From A Religious Cult Survivor

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Netflix's Unorthodox - Thoughts From A Religious Cult Survivor

During COVID-19 and social distancing I've been trying not to watch too many shows or stay glued to social media and my phone. But - then Netflix released Unorthodox.

I succumbed. I binged. They got me. As a religious cult survivor myself, here are a few of my thoughts after I watched Unorthodox:

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How I Missed God’s Life-Giving Love

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How I Missed God’s Life-Giving Love

The first time I remember learning about J.O.Y was in Sunday School. I was young elementary age and my well-intentioned teacher walked the class through the acronym.

“Want to have true JOY in your life? Then you must have your priorities straight. To live a proper Christian life that pleases God, we should follow these three simple steps. Jesus always comes first - your daily devotions, in all your decisions, in your job, in everything. Others come second - your family and friends are second after God. You serve them, love them and sacrifice for them. But only after you have followed what God asks from you. Then there’s you. You come after serving God and your family. Jesus Others You - that’s how you have that true joy.”

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Surgery, rest and stopping.

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Surgery, rest and stopping.

My doctor said many women have this procedure done on Friday and return to work on Tuesday.  After all it’s “just” laparoscopic.

Thinking positively I figured to myself, “Worst case, I’m functioning 100% within a week.”  So, in I went on a Friday for surgery, fully expecting to be like those other women.

The Tuesday after surgery rolled around and I was flat on my back, helpless and in pain.  Without assistance, I was incapable of getting in or out of bed.  Showering or using the toilet still required help from my husband.

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Travel Joy - Paris

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Travel Joy - Paris

Paris.

Just the name brings up thoughts of romance.  Movies.  Chocolate croissants.  Glitz and glam.  Art and fashion.

As part of our homeschool experience, my family was able to make the journey to Paris, France - in the middle of September. It was the perfect time to go. It was in the 50’s most days, and a little rainy off and on. We were ready and had packed rain jackets and water-proof boots so the weather didn’t hold us back.

For about a month, our library’s shelves were depleted of anything related to the France and it’s history as we prepared for the trip of a lifetime.

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Motherhood: Complaining, Becoming a Group Drop Out and Deconstruction

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Motherhood: Complaining, Becoming a Group Drop Out and Deconstruction

Mommy groups have never been my thing. I just never fit in. As a younger mom, I really tried to connect with other moms in my church and community. Whenever I tried, it just wasn’t natural. Everything was awkward. Finally, I stopped forcing myself into uncomfortable situations.

For years I thought something was wrong with me and I was just a social misfit.

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Guest Post by DNA Counselor Brianne Kirkpatrick

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Guest Post by DNA Counselor Brianne Kirkpatrick

Brianne Kirkpatrick is the founder of DNA Watershed. She is a DNA Counselor, wife and Super-Mom to three children. And to top it off, Brianne has co-authored a book on DNA topics for adoptees which will be released soon! It’s such an honor that she agreed to be a guest on my blog!

Brianne and I met briefly at NBC Studios while on set for the Megyn Kelly Show a couple of months ago. She is leading the charge in the world of DNA Counseling. With the tsunami of people taking DNA tests via Ancestry.com, 23 and Me and others, there often come questions and surprises. Brianne is there to help you navigate the waters of understanding who you are, genetically.

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The Last Tooth

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The Last Tooth

I'd put my kid to bed, grabbed my lap top and nestled into my own King-sized.  I had work to do for a client.  Fifteen minutes later, my bedroom door flings open, crashing into the wall.  "Mom, I think my tooth is going to come out!"  

Like any good mother who thought their child was in bed, I had jumped into the the middle of a project.  Looking up for two seconds I said, "That's nice, Love," and quickly started typing a few more things.

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Non-DIY Remodel Tips

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Non-DIY Remodel Tips

In this day of DIYing, there are three kinds of people…

  • Those who are amazing at it.

  • Those who can’t do it.

  • Those who financially can pay for someone else to do it!

I have fallen into all three categories.  Some projects I’ve tackled and it’s been a major win.  Other’s, a total failure or not within my ability.  (Like my kitchen backsplash.  Uhm, yeah, glad my husband tapped in for the save!)  And then…we’ve paid someone else to do large or overwhelming projects.

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