Harm comes in many forms, but its impact is always real. As an abuse and trauma survivor turned advocate, I've witnessed the spectrum of harm that can occur within religious spaces. This spectrum includes spiritual, physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. While the type, severity, frequency, or intensity of harm may vary, one fact remains constant: harm is harm.
Read MoreThere's a unique kind of pain that comes when someone you trusted—a faith leader, a spiritual mentor, or even a well-known Christian author or influencer—betrays your trust. This betrayal trauma cuts deep because these are the people we often look to for education, direction, insight or spiritual guidance. When they fail us, especially in harmful ways, the wounds can feel insurmountable. This post is for those navigating the aftermath of such betrayal, whether it's from a local pastor, a family member in spiritual leadership, or a prominent figure in your faith community.
Spiritual leaders, from pastors to popular Christian authors and influencers, hold significant sway over their followers. They're entrusted with guiding others toward healing and spiritual growth. But what happens when their actions or words cause harm? The betrayal feels magnified because it disrupts not only our trust in them but also our relationship with our faith, community, and even our own judgment.
This betrayal can take many forms including: a pastor's moral failure, a Christian author promoting harmful ideologies, accusations of sexual abuse, a revelation of patterns of toxic behavior, or a family member in spiritual leadership using their position to manipulate. The pain is intensified because these figures often represent our connection to the divine and identity we have built for ourselves.
Often, those who betray our trust are operating from places of unhealed trauma themselves. They may repeat cycles of harmful behavior because they've never addressed their own wounds. This doesn't excuse their actions but helps us understand how these patterns perpetuate harm.
Signs of betrayal in spiritual contexts might include:
Hypocrisy: Leaders not living up to the standards they preach
Abuse of power: Using spiritual authority for personal gain or to silence critics
Emotional manipulation: Using guilt or shame to control others
Lack of accountability: Refusing to acknowledge mistakes or accept responsibility
Re-traumatization: A leader further wounding you either by their own actions or by treating you in a non-trauma-informed way
Experiencing betrayal from a trusted spiritual or faith leader figure can leave you feeling disoriented and questioning everything. This betrayal trauma often leads to:
A shattered worldview: Struggling to reconcile your faith or beliefs with the actions of its representatives
Attachment injuries: Difficulty trusting others, especially in spiritual contexts
Complex emotions: Anger, grief, shame, and confusion often coexist
Spiritual dissonance: Feeling disconnected from your faith or spiritual practices
Spiritual Identity Disruption: Recognizing polarizing messages and actions which result in a crisis of identity and belief
Healing from betrayal trauma in a spiritual context is a journey. Here are some steps to consider:
Acknowledge the Betrayal
Give yourself permission to name what happened. Betrayal is a form of relational trauma, and recognizing it is crucial for healing.
Seek Safe Spaces and Support
Find people who will listen without judgment—whether it's a therapist familiar with betrayal trauma, supportive friends, or online communities for those healing from similar experiences.
Reclaim Your Spiritual Journey (or not)
Consider what it looks like to reclaim your spirituality on your terms. For you, this might mean exploring new practices, redefining your relationship with organized religion, embracing spiritual autonomy, or finding new sources of spiritual guidance.
Set Boundaries
Protect yourself from further harm by setting clear boundaries with individuals or institutions that have betrayed your trust.
Practice Self-Compassion
Remember that healing is not linear. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate complex emotions and rebuild trust—in others and in your own judgment.
As faith platforms and communities – both virtually or in person - we must develop environments where leaders are encouraged to heal. Yes, being held accountable with moral and ethical integrity must be a priority. But it’s time the religious culture recognizes that leadership has also experienced traumas and are responding in reactionary, unhealed ways. This in no way excuses or minimizes the harm and abuse perpetrated by faith or spiritual leaders, yet desires to reach the core of “why is the happening” to prevent further harm.
Included as faith or spiritual leaders are: Popular authors, social media influencers and bloggers, church staff, and family members in positions of spiritual authority. True spiritual leadership stems from a place of self-awareness, healing, vulnerability, authenticity and a keen empathy for others.
If you've experienced betrayal from someone you trusted in a faith context—whether it's a local leader, a family member, or a well-known Christian figure—know this: Your pain is valid. Healing is possible, not because you need to "get over it," but because you deserve to reclaim this piece of your story, find peace and wholly heal.
*Originally posted at ReligiousTraumaNetwork.com.
This article is not intended to treat or diagnose any condition.
Rebekah is not a licensed therapist or clinician. Any advice or opinions given on this site are strictly her own observation and insights based on personal experiences and study. It should in no way take the place of professional assistance.
If you spent your teen years steeped in purity culture, and now find yourself parenting a teenager while charting a different course, you're not alone. The fear, uncertainty, and those moments when you feel completely frozen – they're all normal reactions. I've heard from so many parents just like you, grappling with these exact challenges. In fact, as a coach, it's one of the most frequent concerns I hear.
Read MoreWhen I first began questioning the version of faith I had been taught, I was paralyzed by the fear of the infamous "slippery slope" I'd heard about countless times. In my religious community, anything that deviated from our collective beliefs was labeled as dangerous, sinful, or bad.
Read MoreWhen I was about twenty, a friend dubbed me "Baptist Girl." This nickname wasn't just about the church I attended; it encapsulated my entire lifestyle.
I was the epitome of a "good Christian girl," meticulously following every rule and expectation. I looked the part, spoke the language, and walked the walk with unwavering dedication.
Read MoreRecently, someone gave my husband a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops. I ate one today and suddenly, I was back in Sunday School.
Funny how our minds and nervous systems work. I don't remember why Tootsie Roll Pops and Sunday School are connected, but my body does.
With one taste of that candy and my memory escorted me back to Mrs. Harris* and her less than 5-foot-tall frame, legs swinging as she sat atop some large piece of furniture in the classroom. She died when I was about 10 and it's the first time I remember feeling grief.
Read MoreCare Bears are part of my Religious Trauma story, so when I found this mug at an estate sale with and the quote, “Love is great for growing things,” it all made healing sense I should get it.
Inside fundamentalist and control based religious environments, love is often mocked. “Those people just believe that LOVE fixes everything...that’s not true...you need Jesus combined with Holy living, to call out sin and to live by these specific Biblical principles…”
Read MoreOne would assume that the church would be a place of acceptance and love, grace and belonging, but instead, many enmeshed within a church culture find it a place, which feeds intense shame. Why is this?
Read MoreHey there, friend. Can we talk about something that's been weighing on my heart lately? It's about how love sometimes gets twisted in Christian homes, turning into a tool for control instead of the beautiful, unconditional thing it's meant to be.
You know that feeling when you're a kid, and your mom promises you can go to your best friend's house on Saturday? You're so excited, counting down the days. But then Saturday morning rolls around, and you forget to clean your room on Friday. Suddenly, that play date you've been looking forward to all week? It's gone. Poof. Just like that. "If you can't be responsible at home," they said, "you don't get to go out and have fun."
Read MoreThe church is often seen as a sanctuary, a place of healing and support for those who seek spiritual guidance and community. However, a pattern and uncomfortable truth I have observed is that not only has the church become a place where great harm is done or covered up, the church is sometimes guilty of co-opting survivor language and experiences - the very survivors they created or silenced then again use or exploit.
Read MoreDid you grow up in a high-demand religion or a cult? Have you ever felt like an outsider to life and couldn’t put into words exactly why? If so, you are not alone and perhaps, what I explain in this article will resonate with you.
One day as I was having a conversation about my childhood (and subsequent religious trauma recovery journey) with a dear friend of mine, Dr. Paulette Bethel, she suddenly said, “Rebekah, you’re a TCK!” This expression was new to me so I asked her to explain.
Read MoreParenting is such a wild ride—full of ups, downs, and everything in between. You’ve finally nailed the toddler and elementary years when, wham! You wake up one morning and now have a teenager in your home with those years full of their own challenges, developmental stages and complexities.
When you’re also carrying the weight of your own childhood trauma, parenting can often feel like an even bigger challenge. But here’s the thing: your trauma is not your child’s trauma. In fact, showing our kids how we learn, grow, and tackle tough stuff can be one of the best lessons we can give them.
Read MoreIn this thought-provoking article, we delve into the challenging terrain of communicating deconstruction, faith transition, and religious trauma with family. This is not meant to be a definitive piece, but rather a discussion of some of the obstacles, difficulties, and considerations you may face.
As we navigate these uncharted paths, we may be seen as daring to challenge conventions (heretic) or defying the status quo (rebellious.) Buckle up as we embark on a journey that demands courage and an unwavering commitment to our own soul, conscience and overall health.
Read MoreAs I sit down to share my thoughts and experiences, I am reminded of the transformative power of vulnerability and the courage it takes to confront our deepest wounds. My journey recovering from religious trauma has been filled with twists and turns, leading me to the profound realization that healing is a sacred and ongoing process. In this blog post, I invite you to join me on this transformative path, as we explore what it truly means to be a church or religious leader on the journey of recovering from religious trauma.
Read MoreYesterday I got to spend the afternoon with an old high school friend. It was only supposed to be a quick bite (tacos!) and a coffee but that turned into five hours of talking, catching up, swapping takes on Shiny Happy People and rehashing old memories.
For those of us who have left behind a cult, high demand group or unhealthy system, it’s an unfortunate yet common thing I have noticed that we have few life-long friends or we only reconnect well into adulthood. (Maybe this is just a fundy phenomenon, I’ll have to dive into this thought a bit more.) Without a doubt it’s often that family has even rejected you or you have had to distance yourself due to abuse or lack of respecting boundaries.
Read MoreWatching Shiny Happy People is observing the first half of my life in what feels like an out of body experience. Internal agony and struggle, mind shifts and identity disruption, loss of people I love, fear and confusion, new experiences and blazing ahead alone, these things have defined my years since becoming aware I had been raised in a cult. It’s what it took for me to leave, learn a new way and forge a life outside the lines of authoritarian control and spiritual abuse.
The Duggar family has long been who I reference when I tell people that I grew up differently from mainstream culture. Dang, even differently from most evangelical culture. “Have you seen the show 19 Kids and Counting? Yes? Well, that’s my background.” It was extreme fundamentalism; we were the radicals.
I wasn’t the only IBLP survivor who had a migraine yesterday. Yes, my migraine is toned way down now, thanks for asking. I took a walk, snagged a couple short cat-naps, did more gentle yoga movements and mental reminders that I am safe now which all seemed to help.
Shiny Happy People is collectively pacing so many of us through our painful childhoods which were riddled with spiritual abuse, physical and psychological abuse and religious trauma. Please, do not allow yourself to be re-traumatized. Turn off the TV, decide you will not finish the series, or wait until you can talk to a therapist. There is great strength in knowing your limitations and choosing to protect your emotional and mental health. It’s not a weakness.
Read MoreIt’s overwhelming I know. You’ve recognized something is off with how you were raised or with the system in which your faith is based. You are scared. You aren’t sure who to trust. You’re Googling for answers and desperate for help.
Suddenly, in your searching, you see an article entitled, “The 5 Steps to Deconstructing Your Faith,” and you feel like, “Oh good, someone will tell me how to do this!” Well, yes and no.
Read MoreIf this was you, listen to me closely: You do not have to embody every little thing you now believe. That’s overwhelming and may be impractical or “too much” for you today. Our beliefs are not who we are, but they do inform how we behave. You are aware now, but have wounds and traumas which must heal. Each role may not be possible for you to take on now or ever - and that’s ok.
Read MorePlease Note: This is an educational website to support healing and growth. It is not a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment, please contact your nearest mental health agency, and if you are in crisis, contact your nearest emergency services.
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